Noise, Rapids, and Ropes

Meditation- a word I now reflect on in it's moment of necessity.

What noise is this, in it's eerie dissonance? flooding my life. Pulling me this way and that.

Slightly detached, i see this all as a dream. And here i am, pinching myself. I miss the moments where i've smiled the most. Those moments which involved unions of reverie and reality. Those moments haunt me. I can sense it's ghost. I miss sitting outside starbucks, watching the sunset before everyone's awake. I miss those bike rides to the greenway after midnight. I miss wandering walks in deep thought. Writing in cafe's from daybreak to eventide. I miss the people who weren't confused by what I said. Understood it didn't have to make sense instead. Those sweet escapes from all that's mundane. I miss feeling emotionally pressed. I miss walking with the inane. The people who get my blood rushing. No right or wrong or feeling out of place. Just existing as a piece of humanity. Now, I seldom get that fix. My expectations are either hit or miss. Those things that bring me to life... for better or for worse. Transcendentalism, where have you gone? I've been seeking you out. Does filling my days with all of this busy work fill the gaping hole. It doesn't come close. There's emptiness. It's here. It's there. That pale ghost. Bitterness presses its lips against me.

Time itself moves faster than light.
and these days are moving much too quickly.

All that seems to cross my mind is

too much sound makes a muddy mix.
Water wears on rocks they pass.
Flexibility only goes so far. Even rubber bands snap.

Still i seem to forget. There's something I'm forgetting. A detail that makes all the difference in the world.

I forgot that all of this clamor ringing in my ear:
I was the one who turned the volume up.

This violent current running at rapid speeds:
I was the one who dived in.

This constant tug of war with me in the middle:
I handed out the ends of the rope.

I jumped out of the plane...no one pushed me. And this free fall is more than i thought it would be.

But in the midst of all this dissonance, these rapidly moving days, this stretching of all i can give...

How does one find tranquility?

Welllllllllll, all you wonderful chaps will find me laying on the floor in the middle of my room, 2:30 a.m, Chinese stress balls rolling in hand, pumpkin spice candle lit, listening to Classic Sinatra, and contemplating metaphysical abstractions.

Rough Draft: Being Agnostic (take 1)

The loneliest life is one of an agnostic theist. You'll have some religious friends. Some atheist friends. And while you accept them for what they believe, you know ultimately that neither of the two accept you for what you believe. They'll say "you have to know one side is right and one side is wrong" To them, there is no difference between belief and knowledge though. So while i don't view any belief as right or wrong....everyone else does.

Whether you're using feeling judgment to accept God, or hard logic to disprove God.... Nobody knows what judgment is right and which one is wrong. You cannot make a definite out of an indefinite. Otherwise it's not belief. It's knowledge. If you know something is true you can prove it. There's no need to even attempt to prove belief. Thus, I don't make an indefinite thing a right or wrong match. It is simply belief and only belief. Not knowledge. It is a literal leap in the dark without evidence. No need for a bible. No need for a story. No need for a priest. No need for a religion. No need for evidence. It is a leap. It's been that way for ages when it comes to unanswerable questions and it will continue that way.

I can believe aliens exist without having evidence or knowing they exist just like I can believe in a God without knowing he exists.

Christians will say "You lack faith and need to form a relationship with a biblical character.Clearly the bible proves there is a God" Same with most Any religion....follow this structure cause it's the right one. Here's our reason for it....

Atheists will say "Can't you see all of the flaws in the bible? Can't you see evolution? Clearly that means there's absolutely no God."

Well Christians I'm sorry. I have no attachment to the bible, nor prayer. If God existed the exact way you perceive him, he would punish people for an eternity who never even got a chance to read the bible. Fun question: Would a loving creator create only with intention to judge it's creation be means of reward and torture? if so, I strongly dislike such creator.

And atheists.... i can't say evolution means there's no creator. Use logic all you want. Logic comes from neurotransmitters in our brain. You think our minds are accurate? take a few psych classes and your perspective might change. fun question for you: Why is logical evidence more superior than emotional evidence? Is absolute truth discovered through human brain intelligence only?

Thus, it makes sense to balance both sides of judgment and humbly admit, all evidence is flawed.

Balancing all forms of perception only allows belief in the possibility that you might be wrong simultaneously with you might be right. There is no definite. And i'm ok with that. And if a God created my type of mindset/emotions of infinte possibilities. Taking all perception into consideration. Apparently he's okay with that too.

I've never said anyone is wrong or right. And i'm tired of hearing each side bash each other based on evidence and proofs. It's like watching 5 year olds fight over "who started it first." These definitives of right and wrong are where superiority comes from. A.K.A. I know and you don't. A.K.A war.

Agnostic Theist. The loneliest lot to walk this earth.