Punch me in the gut.
Pinch my arm.
Slap me in the face.
Tell me to wake up,
Cause i could live in a dream without being phased from any alarm (significant or not)
So don't let what's good pass me by. I've let it go before without even waving goodbye.
Yell in my ear.
Kick me in the shin.
Call me out.
Stop me from yawning
this hesitation is just a front.
It's how i am.
extremely blunt.
This delay is not intended
it's how i am
open ended
This silence isn't what i mean
it's how i am
in between
20091103
Soon A Memory
Autumn soon a memory
Aged trees with falling leaves
How I’ll miss you when you’re gone from me
Tagged with thoughts tracing back 15 years
Reminding of that which can bring me to tears
A scene of beauty, what an impact it has
To last so long, long after it’s passed
I’ll wait around another 12 months
The feelings will all return at once
But now it’s sad to see them fade
Autumn shows me too much decay.
Still, I’ll wait when gone from me
With Autumn in my reverie
Aged trees with falling leaves
How I’ll miss you when you’re gone from me
Tagged with thoughts tracing back 15 years
Reminding of that which can bring me to tears
A scene of beauty, what an impact it has
To last so long, long after it’s passed
I’ll wait around another 12 months
The feelings will all return at once
But now it’s sad to see them fade
Autumn shows me too much decay.
Still, I’ll wait when gone from me
With Autumn in my reverie
20091102
The Dull Blades of Ennui
Empty thoughts in menagerie
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to see these days
Photos I'd like to throw away.
and what a sad point of view. When your camera only captures images that are unsatisfactory to your eyes. Is it the lens or is it the photographer? Maybe it's all about location. And i can't remember the last time i created a photo album and smiled at the result. There's always something missing. Or perhaps too much of something. There's too much and too much missing all at once. And cameras only have one lens so I know I'm directly accountable for what these pictures come out as and the order they are taken. It's all on me. Is it ennui i detect? Ennui my friend, only because it stops by so often. Is it this dull blade? Dull blades nudging me isn't enough. I can't help it, I like blades that cut. Death in 2 ways. Bleeding too much or never having bled. I'm hungry for wholeness, yet not being fed.
Hang on. Hurry now. A still moment arrives. Is this not good lighting? Take the picture before it slips. But, Oh how my hands are shaking and sweating and no, no i can't take this picture. I'm afraid this will bring the same effect as the rest of the scrapbook. If needed I'll take it but don't let me look. Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Silence. Teeth clenched. Face tense and my head heavy as stones.
click...
again.
What a sad routine. Modes of melancholy return.
What should i dislike and for what should i yearn?
from picture to picture i never seem to learn.
and there's this clamor of advice in my ear: The deepest sadness is one that no one can see but yourself. One that's inexplicable. Not in words. Not with colors. Not through feel or smell or taste. Telling it's tale won't release it. Nor will hearing it.
Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Empty thoughts in menagerie
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to do these days
Throw photos i don't want away.
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to see these days
Photos I'd like to throw away.
and what a sad point of view. When your camera only captures images that are unsatisfactory to your eyes. Is it the lens or is it the photographer? Maybe it's all about location. And i can't remember the last time i created a photo album and smiled at the result. There's always something missing. Or perhaps too much of something. There's too much and too much missing all at once. And cameras only have one lens so I know I'm directly accountable for what these pictures come out as and the order they are taken. It's all on me. Is it ennui i detect? Ennui my friend, only because it stops by so often. Is it this dull blade? Dull blades nudging me isn't enough. I can't help it, I like blades that cut. Death in 2 ways. Bleeding too much or never having bled. I'm hungry for wholeness, yet not being fed.
Hang on. Hurry now. A still moment arrives. Is this not good lighting? Take the picture before it slips. But, Oh how my hands are shaking and sweating and no, no i can't take this picture. I'm afraid this will bring the same effect as the rest of the scrapbook. If needed I'll take it but don't let me look. Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Silence. Teeth clenched. Face tense and my head heavy as stones.
click...
again.
What a sad routine. Modes of melancholy return.
What should i dislike and for what should i yearn?
from picture to picture i never seem to learn.
and there's this clamor of advice in my ear: The deepest sadness is one that no one can see but yourself. One that's inexplicable. Not in words. Not with colors. Not through feel or smell or taste. Telling it's tale won't release it. Nor will hearing it.
Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Empty thoughts in menagerie
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to do these days
Throw photos i don't want away.
20091015
Noise, Rapids, and Ropes
Meditation- a word I now reflect on in it's moment of necessity.
What noise is this, in it's eerie dissonance? flooding my life. Pulling me this way and that.
Slightly detached, i see this all as a dream. And here i am, pinching myself. I miss the moments where i've smiled the most. Those moments which involved unions of reverie and reality. Those moments haunt me. I can sense it's ghost. I miss sitting outside starbucks, watching the sunset before everyone's awake. I miss those bike rides to the greenway after midnight. I miss wandering walks in deep thought. Writing in cafe's from daybreak to eventide. I miss the people who weren't confused by what I said. Understood it didn't have to make sense instead. Those sweet escapes from all that's mundane. I miss feeling emotionally pressed. I miss walking with the inane. The people who get my blood rushing. No right or wrong or feeling out of place. Just existing as a piece of humanity. Now, I seldom get that fix. My expectations are either hit or miss. Those things that bring me to life... for better or for worse. Transcendentalism, where have you gone? I've been seeking you out. Does filling my days with all of this busy work fill the gaping hole. It doesn't come close. There's emptiness. It's here. It's there. That pale ghost. Bitterness presses its lips against me.
Time itself moves faster than light.
and these days are moving much too quickly.
All that seems to cross my mind is
too much sound makes a muddy mix.
Water wears on rocks they pass.
Flexibility only goes so far. Even rubber bands snap.
Still i seem to forget. There's something I'm forgetting. A detail that makes all the difference in the world.
I forgot that all of this clamor ringing in my ear:
I was the one who turned the volume up.
This violent current running at rapid speeds:
I was the one who dived in.
This constant tug of war with me in the middle:
I handed out the ends of the rope.
I jumped out of the plane...no one pushed me. And this free fall is more than i thought it would be.
But in the midst of all this dissonance, these rapidly moving days, this stretching of all i can give...
How does one find tranquility?
Welllllllllll, all you wonderful chaps will find me laying on the floor in the middle of my room, 2:30 a.m, Chinese stress balls rolling in hand, pumpkin spice candle lit, listening to Classic Sinatra, and contemplating metaphysical abstractions.
What noise is this, in it's eerie dissonance? flooding my life. Pulling me this way and that.
Slightly detached, i see this all as a dream. And here i am, pinching myself. I miss the moments where i've smiled the most. Those moments which involved unions of reverie and reality. Those moments haunt me. I can sense it's ghost. I miss sitting outside starbucks, watching the sunset before everyone's awake. I miss those bike rides to the greenway after midnight. I miss wandering walks in deep thought. Writing in cafe's from daybreak to eventide. I miss the people who weren't confused by what I said. Understood it didn't have to make sense instead. Those sweet escapes from all that's mundane. I miss feeling emotionally pressed. I miss walking with the inane. The people who get my blood rushing. No right or wrong or feeling out of place. Just existing as a piece of humanity. Now, I seldom get that fix. My expectations are either hit or miss. Those things that bring me to life... for better or for worse. Transcendentalism, where have you gone? I've been seeking you out. Does filling my days with all of this busy work fill the gaping hole. It doesn't come close. There's emptiness. It's here. It's there. That pale ghost. Bitterness presses its lips against me.
Time itself moves faster than light.
and these days are moving much too quickly.
All that seems to cross my mind is
too much sound makes a muddy mix.
Water wears on rocks they pass.
Flexibility only goes so far. Even rubber bands snap.
Still i seem to forget. There's something I'm forgetting. A detail that makes all the difference in the world.
I forgot that all of this clamor ringing in my ear:
I was the one who turned the volume up.
This violent current running at rapid speeds:
I was the one who dived in.
This constant tug of war with me in the middle:
I handed out the ends of the rope.
I jumped out of the plane...no one pushed me. And this free fall is more than i thought it would be.
But in the midst of all this dissonance, these rapidly moving days, this stretching of all i can give...
How does one find tranquility?
Welllllllllll, all you wonderful chaps will find me laying on the floor in the middle of my room, 2:30 a.m, Chinese stress balls rolling in hand, pumpkin spice candle lit, listening to Classic Sinatra, and contemplating metaphysical abstractions.
20091005
Rough Draft: Being Agnostic (take 1)
The loneliest life is one of an agnostic theist. You'll have some religious friends. Some atheist friends. And while you accept them for what they believe, you know ultimately that neither of the two accept you for what you believe. They'll say "you have to know one side is right and one side is wrong" To them, there is no difference between belief and knowledge though. So while i don't view any belief as right or wrong....everyone else does.
Whether you're using feeling judgment to accept God, or hard logic to disprove God.... Nobody knows what judgment is right and which one is wrong. You cannot make a definite out of an indefinite. Otherwise it's not belief. It's knowledge. If you know something is true you can prove it. There's no need to even attempt to prove belief. Thus, I don't make an indefinite thing a right or wrong match. It is simply belief and only belief. Not knowledge. It is a literal leap in the dark without evidence. No need for a bible. No need for a story. No need for a priest. No need for a religion. No need for evidence. It is a leap. It's been that way for ages when it comes to unanswerable questions and it will continue that way.
I can believe aliens exist without having evidence or knowing they exist just like I can believe in a God without knowing he exists.
Christians will say "You lack faith and need to form a relationship with a biblical character.Clearly the bible proves there is a God" Same with most Any religion....follow this structure cause it's the right one. Here's our reason for it....
Atheists will say "Can't you see all of the flaws in the bible? Can't you see evolution? Clearly that means there's absolutely no God."
Well Christians I'm sorry. I have no attachment to the bible, nor prayer. If God existed the exact way you perceive him, he would punish people for an eternity who never even got a chance to read the bible. Fun question: Would a loving creator create only with intention to judge it's creation be means of reward and torture? if so, I strongly dislike such creator.
And atheists.... i can't say evolution means there's no creator. Use logic all you want. Logic comes from neurotransmitters in our brain. You think our minds are accurate? take a few psych classes and your perspective might change. fun question for you: Why is logical evidence more superior than emotional evidence? Is absolute truth discovered through human brain intelligence only?
Thus, it makes sense to balance both sides of judgment and humbly admit, all evidence is flawed.
Balancing all forms of perception only allows belief in the possibility that you might be wrong simultaneously with you might be right. There is no definite. And i'm ok with that. And if a God created my type of mindset/emotions of infinte possibilities. Taking all perception into consideration. Apparently he's okay with that too.
I've never said anyone is wrong or right. And i'm tired of hearing each side bash each other based on evidence and proofs. It's like watching 5 year olds fight over "who started it first." These definitives of right and wrong are where superiority comes from. A.K.A. I know and you don't. A.K.A war.
Agnostic Theist. The loneliest lot to walk this earth.
Whether you're using feeling judgment to accept God, or hard logic to disprove God.... Nobody knows what judgment is right and which one is wrong. You cannot make a definite out of an indefinite. Otherwise it's not belief. It's knowledge. If you know something is true you can prove it. There's no need to even attempt to prove belief. Thus, I don't make an indefinite thing a right or wrong match. It is simply belief and only belief. Not knowledge. It is a literal leap in the dark without evidence. No need for a bible. No need for a story. No need for a priest. No need for a religion. No need for evidence. It is a leap. It's been that way for ages when it comes to unanswerable questions and it will continue that way.
I can believe aliens exist without having evidence or knowing they exist just like I can believe in a God without knowing he exists.
Christians will say "You lack faith and need to form a relationship with a biblical character.Clearly the bible proves there is a God" Same with most Any religion....follow this structure cause it's the right one. Here's our reason for it....
Atheists will say "Can't you see all of the flaws in the bible? Can't you see evolution? Clearly that means there's absolutely no God."
Well Christians I'm sorry. I have no attachment to the bible, nor prayer. If God existed the exact way you perceive him, he would punish people for an eternity who never even got a chance to read the bible. Fun question: Would a loving creator create only with intention to judge it's creation be means of reward and torture? if so, I strongly dislike such creator.
And atheists.... i can't say evolution means there's no creator. Use logic all you want. Logic comes from neurotransmitters in our brain. You think our minds are accurate? take a few psych classes and your perspective might change. fun question for you: Why is logical evidence more superior than emotional evidence? Is absolute truth discovered through human brain intelligence only?
Thus, it makes sense to balance both sides of judgment and humbly admit, all evidence is flawed.
Balancing all forms of perception only allows belief in the possibility that you might be wrong simultaneously with you might be right. There is no definite. And i'm ok with that. And if a God created my type of mindset/emotions of infinte possibilities. Taking all perception into consideration. Apparently he's okay with that too.
I've never said anyone is wrong or right. And i'm tired of hearing each side bash each other based on evidence and proofs. It's like watching 5 year olds fight over "who started it first." These definitives of right and wrong are where superiority comes from. A.K.A. I know and you don't. A.K.A war.
Agnostic Theist. The loneliest lot to walk this earth.
20090929
How Do You Sleep At Night?
Verse 1
you think emotion is nothing short of a toy
play until your bored then find some other boy
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Pre chorus:
you'd watch me break out in tears
your conscience would still be clear
Chorus
I guess you can live a life telling lies breaking hearts cutting ties
can't say its wrong and who knows if i'm right?
i just don't know how you sleep at night
Verse 2:
You think love is nothing short of a game
loser cleans up the mess and hangs their head in shame
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
just to play dumb
lead me on lead me on
you know I'm under your thumb
Chorus:
Bridge:
you wear your skirts real high
you let your hair down low
you get a little too close
just to catch my eye
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Chrous:
how do you sleep at night?
how do you sleep at night?
just finished writing and playing this song live in t-minus 7 hours
you think emotion is nothing short of a toy
play until your bored then find some other boy
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Pre chorus:
you'd watch me break out in tears
your conscience would still be clear
Chorus
I guess you can live a life telling lies breaking hearts cutting ties
can't say its wrong and who knows if i'm right?
i just don't know how you sleep at night
Verse 2:
You think love is nothing short of a game
loser cleans up the mess and hangs their head in shame
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
just to play dumb
lead me on lead me on
you know I'm under your thumb
Chorus:
Bridge:
you wear your skirts real high
you let your hair down low
you get a little too close
just to catch my eye
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Chrous:
how do you sleep at night?
how do you sleep at night?
just finished writing and playing this song live in t-minus 7 hours
20090928
What Makes Ghosts Go Away?
Her words of explanation were only these.
It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.
--C.S. Lewis
You see me every now and then. You purposefully look away. How do i get back there? That small window of time where we were happy. That window haunts me. Because something so pure became covered in dirt. What picked me up also hurt. But what's music without dissonance? What's love without heartache? No pain no gain i guess. You can't cook without making a mess.
The good guy will come out on top at the end of the story though, right?... RIGHT???
Regardless, I'm much better now. I hold my own unlike back then. I don't cling. I've got close friends. I'm not afraid to sing. I'm not afraid to bend. And oh how i wish i met you now instead. But would I have grown as much as I did?
Perhaps I'll never know. One day I'll realize.
Though we're alone. It's a blessing in disguise.
It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.
--C.S. Lewis
You see me every now and then. You purposefully look away. How do i get back there? That small window of time where we were happy. That window haunts me. Because something so pure became covered in dirt. What picked me up also hurt. But what's music without dissonance? What's love without heartache? No pain no gain i guess. You can't cook without making a mess.
The good guy will come out on top at the end of the story though, right?... RIGHT???
Regardless, I'm much better now. I hold my own unlike back then. I don't cling. I've got close friends. I'm not afraid to sing. I'm not afraid to bend. And oh how i wish i met you now instead. But would I have grown as much as I did?
Perhaps I'll never know. One day I'll realize.
Though we're alone. It's a blessing in disguise.
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