Physically Homeless Met Mentally Homeless

The moon was nearly covered by clouds completely. Only fragments of hazy light glowed through and I'm not sure what was worse... not knowing where i was or not knowing where i was going.

Like every summer preceding, i found myself with a squeaky bike on a lonely dark road isolated from the city. I didn't want to make too much noise so i got off the 2 wheeler and walked alongside it instead. What drew me here? Where was I? Even more odd, why did my feet keep moving without me knowing the answer to that question?

Everywhere i looked i saw swirling fog like one of those scary movies. That on top of the fact that everything just seems so surreal in the middle of a black summer night anyway - it all gave me this eerie feeling and desire for more while having a desire for it to stop at the same time.

And how strange, when alone in nature, some people find the beauty of it all. When alone, some people think profound thoughts and make wonderful discoveries. Not me... i find myself in a state of nervousness. I find myself in a place i can't control. A place full of possibilities. A chance of good possible scenarios mixed in with an equal chance of bad. Cause that's all anything is anyway right? One huge fuckin' game of chance?

Places like that remind me of home... or rather, the lack thereof. Flashbacks of a friend i once knew hit me.

~Sleeping on park benches in the night. Searching for interstates in the morning because around them you know you're going to find some food and a couple of public restrooms somewhere. Not to mention along the way you'll find other homeless folks to give some interesting stories and insight. Of course they have insight. You think insight is only reserved for those intelligent schoolgirls and boys who's parents pay thousands of dollars for them to pencil in a-b-c or d? Hell, they might talk "about" us in those social classes saying how they should gives us money and food stamps and help, but they never know "about us" and how we see the world she said. They don't understand it from this perspective. Where nothing substantial is given. Nothing substantial can be expected. "We see nothing but the need to survive...but what's the point in surviving in a world where no one cares if you survive?"

That's all what Mary told me at least... Mary didn't have a home either. She roamed most the same places i did. Usually people can tell you're a stray. You can just see it from a mile away - wandering aimlessly, shifty eyes, hesitation to approach or be approached, fear and eccentricity all at once. The most identifiable trait is being a chameleon. The attempt we gave to blend in with the environment anytime we felt threatened... which seemed to be all the time. We just wanted to be background characters, nothing more and nothing less. Funny how we got along. She was physically homeless and i was mentally homeless. In those days, I'm not sure what was worse: not knowing who i was or not knowing who i was going to become.

It was only 15 days we kept each other company. Nobody knew about it or probably wouldn't have even cared. I barely remember any of it except the 15th day. Police cars burned rubber as its sirens blared and there I was riding toward the interstate - riding my bike to meet a friend. I followed the lights to a back road.

I saw in the distance an ambulance and a firetruck and a combination of flashing lights this way and that it could have caused a seizure to someone if they weren't careful. Curious i walked up to the scene of the crime... apparently there was a hit and run. No car but a victim in an ambulance and chalk lines around where her body used to lay. Blood scattered on the pavement.

Mary never made the paper or the news... that's only for the income makers. And who knows where homeless people get buried if at all?

I guess i've figured out why i find myself on this road today. It's where the accident happened. I see those flashing blue and red lights surround me still and it brings a shiver from skin to bones.

These days i'm not sure what's worse: not knowing where my home is or not knowing if I'll ever find one.