when in this position, no one can see me even wince. Nobody is allowed to see me tear up. I can't rest my head in public. I feel overwhelmed. I feel paranoid. I feel pressured beyond belief. But i can deal with it alone. It's everything thrown into the mix that throws me off balance.
The broken bike. No car. No money. No job. feeling hopeless for all thee above.
And i just kissed the sun. I feel burned and branded. Now i'm afraid of only losing it all. What a terrible way to live. Out of fear of losing what you work so hard to claim. On one hand, I have it all... on the other i have nothing.
I feel undefined. I feel like a piece of garbage sometimes. Easily dispensable and discarded.
I encourage everyone else... who is here to encourage me? When i feel like giving up. When i feel hopeless. When my world is distorted and nothing makes sense anymore and everything i thought was isn't and everything i thought wasn't is.
But alas, nobody can see me like this... and nobody will. I'm bigger than that. At least that's what i'm supposed to be.
20100602
20100513
Action Reaction
Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
Love me and I may be forced to love you.
-William Arthur Ward
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I will not forget you.
Love me and I may be forced to love you.
-William Arthur Ward
20100507
The Map To Move By
As long as we have hope, we have direction, the energy to move, and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives, a thousand paths and an infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever.
20100503
Leader...Why?
i asked myself today... Why do i like taking responsibility. Why do i like leadership positions?
a.) it helps me build character and grow
b.) it lets me live a life full of fulfilled desires, dreams, and emotions
c.) it gives me the opportunity to make a positive impact in peoples' lives
d.) it's challenging and keeps me on my toes
e.) A good leader knows he or she is not the perfect leader... A leader is who i want to be. Always striving to be the best. Consistently striving for integrity. That is what it is all about. The striving. The effort. The desire to be something more. Aiming for a target and taking a shot. The experience. The rush. This is a tricky one to understand but crucial all the same. i like the responsibility not just because it tells me who i am, but rather it shows me who I could become.
f.) In every way it benefits me, i want to see others achieve those benefits themselves. Most importantly, i lead because i want to see others learn to take responsibility. i want to see others lead. i want to see others grow.
a.) it helps me build character and grow
b.) it lets me live a life full of fulfilled desires, dreams, and emotions
c.) it gives me the opportunity to make a positive impact in peoples' lives
d.) it's challenging and keeps me on my toes
e.) A good leader knows he or she is not the perfect leader... A leader is who i want to be. Always striving to be the best. Consistently striving for integrity. That is what it is all about. The striving. The effort. The desire to be something more. Aiming for a target and taking a shot. The experience. The rush. This is a tricky one to understand but crucial all the same. i like the responsibility not just because it tells me who i am, but rather it shows me who I could become.
f.) In every way it benefits me, i want to see others achieve those benefits themselves. Most importantly, i lead because i want to see others learn to take responsibility. i want to see others lead. i want to see others grow.
20100501
Physically Homeless Met Mentally Homeless
The moon was nearly covered by clouds completely. Only fragments of hazy light glowed through and I'm not sure what was worse... not knowing where i was or not knowing where i was going.
Like every summer preceding, i found myself with a squeaky bike on a lonely dark road isolated from the city. I didn't want to make too much noise so i got off the 2 wheeler and walked alongside it instead. What drew me here? Where was I? Even more odd, why did my feet keep moving without me knowing the answer to that question?
Everywhere i looked i saw swirling fog like one of those scary movies. That on top of the fact that everything just seems so surreal in the middle of a black summer night anyway - it all gave me this eerie feeling and desire for more while having a desire for it to stop at the same time.
And how strange, when alone in nature, some people find the beauty of it all. When alone, some people think profound thoughts and make wonderful discoveries. Not me... i find myself in a state of nervousness. I find myself in a place i can't control. A place full of possibilities. A chance of good possible scenarios mixed in with an equal chance of bad. Cause that's all anything is anyway right? One huge fuckin' game of chance?
Places like that remind me of home... or rather, the lack thereof. Flashbacks of a friend i once knew hit me.
~Sleeping on park benches in the night. Searching for interstates in the morning because around them you know you're going to find some food and a couple of public restrooms somewhere. Not to mention along the way you'll find other homeless folks to give some interesting stories and insight. Of course they have insight. You think insight is only reserved for those intelligent schoolgirls and boys who's parents pay thousands of dollars for them to pencil in a-b-c or d? Hell, they might talk "about" us in those social classes saying how they should gives us money and food stamps and help, but they never know "about us" and how we see the world she said. They don't understand it from this perspective. Where nothing substantial is given. Nothing substantial can be expected. "We see nothing but the need to survive...but what's the point in surviving in a world where no one cares if you survive?"
That's all what Mary told me at least... Mary didn't have a home either. She roamed most the same places i did. Usually people can tell you're a stray. You can just see it from a mile away - wandering aimlessly, shifty eyes, hesitation to approach or be approached, fear and eccentricity all at once. The most identifiable trait is being a chameleon. The attempt we gave to blend in with the environment anytime we felt threatened... which seemed to be all the time. We just wanted to be background characters, nothing more and nothing less. Funny how we got along. She was physically homeless and i was mentally homeless. In those days, I'm not sure what was worse: not knowing who i was or not knowing who i was going to become.
It was only 15 days we kept each other company. Nobody knew about it or probably wouldn't have even cared. I barely remember any of it except the 15th day. Police cars burned rubber as its sirens blared and there I was riding toward the interstate - riding my bike to meet a friend. I followed the lights to a back road.
I saw in the distance an ambulance and a firetruck and a combination of flashing lights this way and that it could have caused a seizure to someone if they weren't careful. Curious i walked up to the scene of the crime... apparently there was a hit and run. No car but a victim in an ambulance and chalk lines around where her body used to lay. Blood scattered on the pavement.
Mary never made the paper or the news... that's only for the income makers. And who knows where homeless people get buried if at all?
I guess i've figured out why i find myself on this road today. It's where the accident happened. I see those flashing blue and red lights surround me still and it brings a shiver from skin to bones.
These days i'm not sure what's worse: not knowing where my home is or not knowing if I'll ever find one.
Like every summer preceding, i found myself with a squeaky bike on a lonely dark road isolated from the city. I didn't want to make too much noise so i got off the 2 wheeler and walked alongside it instead. What drew me here? Where was I? Even more odd, why did my feet keep moving without me knowing the answer to that question?
Everywhere i looked i saw swirling fog like one of those scary movies. That on top of the fact that everything just seems so surreal in the middle of a black summer night anyway - it all gave me this eerie feeling and desire for more while having a desire for it to stop at the same time.
And how strange, when alone in nature, some people find the beauty of it all. When alone, some people think profound thoughts and make wonderful discoveries. Not me... i find myself in a state of nervousness. I find myself in a place i can't control. A place full of possibilities. A chance of good possible scenarios mixed in with an equal chance of bad. Cause that's all anything is anyway right? One huge fuckin' game of chance?
Places like that remind me of home... or rather, the lack thereof. Flashbacks of a friend i once knew hit me.
~Sleeping on park benches in the night. Searching for interstates in the morning because around them you know you're going to find some food and a couple of public restrooms somewhere. Not to mention along the way you'll find other homeless folks to give some interesting stories and insight. Of course they have insight. You think insight is only reserved for those intelligent schoolgirls and boys who's parents pay thousands of dollars for them to pencil in a-b-c or d? Hell, they might talk "about" us in those social classes saying how they should gives us money and food stamps and help, but they never know "about us" and how we see the world she said. They don't understand it from this perspective. Where nothing substantial is given. Nothing substantial can be expected. "We see nothing but the need to survive...but what's the point in surviving in a world where no one cares if you survive?"
That's all what Mary told me at least... Mary didn't have a home either. She roamed most the same places i did. Usually people can tell you're a stray. You can just see it from a mile away - wandering aimlessly, shifty eyes, hesitation to approach or be approached, fear and eccentricity all at once. The most identifiable trait is being a chameleon. The attempt we gave to blend in with the environment anytime we felt threatened... which seemed to be all the time. We just wanted to be background characters, nothing more and nothing less. Funny how we got along. She was physically homeless and i was mentally homeless. In those days, I'm not sure what was worse: not knowing who i was or not knowing who i was going to become.
It was only 15 days we kept each other company. Nobody knew about it or probably wouldn't have even cared. I barely remember any of it except the 15th day. Police cars burned rubber as its sirens blared and there I was riding toward the interstate - riding my bike to meet a friend. I followed the lights to a back road.
I saw in the distance an ambulance and a firetruck and a combination of flashing lights this way and that it could have caused a seizure to someone if they weren't careful. Curious i walked up to the scene of the crime... apparently there was a hit and run. No car but a victim in an ambulance and chalk lines around where her body used to lay. Blood scattered on the pavement.
Mary never made the paper or the news... that's only for the income makers. And who knows where homeless people get buried if at all?
I guess i've figured out why i find myself on this road today. It's where the accident happened. I see those flashing blue and red lights surround me still and it brings a shiver from skin to bones.
These days i'm not sure what's worse: not knowing where my home is or not knowing if I'll ever find one.
20100419
Spinning
rivers. Rocks. narrow passageways. Dreams of fallen leaves. Sanity. Despair. Melancholy. Missing items. Missing friends. Missing. When everyone seems like an acquaintance. Nobody knows about the physical surgeries. Nobody knows about the mental surgeries. No time to even write it down. My family is quiet. My room is quiet. The world is quiet and unaffecting me. I've accomplished great things. I've grown. I've loved. I've lusted. I've drowned. Meaning. Missing meaning. Purpose. Needing purpose.
It's as though I've decided to spin spin spin spin in circles this entire year. And for this moment, one moment, i'm stopping. I'm nauseous. I'm disoriented. Every step i take forward now i stumble and i can't even focus on which way is straight. I can't see 2 feet ahead since everything else is still spinning around me.
Do i sit until i find my bearings? Do i remain standing and trudge through the dizziness? Do i wait for someone to put their hand on my shoulder?
This field I'm in is huge and no one will ever bother me as i spin away. I can spin until i die. But that's not what i want. It has seemed fun at first, but too much of anything will kill.
20100318
I have super strong beliefs about beliefs.
Belief, for me, is like a theory or assumption of what one "thinks" or "feels" the truth is. It's an emotional or logical response to data or opinions handed to us.
Truth is something one knows. Example 2+2=4.
sure, 2+2=4... but doesn't 2+1+1=4? how about 6-2?
I feel like often times, humans are given only part of the math problem causing the need for belief: 2+2+blank+blank-blank=500.
You can fill in the blanks, with multiple answers (beliefs)...would any ONE of those be the only truth though?
Limiting truth to only one possibility seems kind of weird to me when everyone has different perceptions. Everyone's truth is derived from different #'s. We all have different personalities, cultural upbringings, genetic makeup that draws us to different beliefs.
Will we ever know the total truth about an apple? about dogs? about a God? about ourselves? Does that lack of knowing matter? Does our belief, based on that lack of knowing matter? What if the only thing that Does matter is that the apple is red or green. Dogs Bark and chase cars. God wants people to love.
I like to say that total truth is irrelevant when it comes to belief. Otherwise it wouldn't be belief... it would be knowledge! You don't need to know every number that solves the equation. That's just a bunch of data. I'm more interested in leaving the possibility that others have numbers that could work in the equation that i don't even know much about. I enjoy humbling myself to the point that i say "i know very little to nothing." I hold one puzzle piece to a grand mural of a puzzle. Or maybe my piece doesn't even belong to the right puzzle? who can prove me truthfully wrong and who can prove me truthfully right? no one.
There is no set standard of truth with anything.
there is no 2+2=4 spelled out anywhere.
The majority of our being/ our purpose / who we are comes from what we believe. What we believe is not spelled out. There are so many possibilities for belief!
aside to Katlyn (the sky is based on visual perception-some animals see different colors than others, some don't even see the spectrum. Some people are blind. Some people are color blind. Some people's visual neurons are hooked in with their hearing senses. Some people "hear things" or "feel things" when they see color. To them, the sky is more of a sound or emotion. With different perception comes different belief.)
Many people say their beliefs are true. I like leaving the option that my beliefs are completely wrong because with so many varying perceptions, any belief can seem reasonable based on perception.
So I feel like i know nothing/ believe in a lot. I don't know whole truths. I don't even know if i know part of truths. I do believe though. And I believe, it's okay to believe without knowing the truth. Otherwise you would call it knowledge...
Can someone's belief matter if it is false? I say, you can't have a true or false belief. You can have true or false knowledge, but not belief. Belief is a mere stab at the truth based on perception, regardless of how strong or how weak.
-ph
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