Spinning

rivers. Rocks. narrow passageways. Dreams of fallen leaves. Sanity. Despair. Melancholy. Missing items. Missing friends. Missing. When everyone seems like an acquaintance. Nobody knows about the physical surgeries. Nobody knows about the mental surgeries. No time to even write it down. My family is quiet. My room is quiet. The world is quiet and unaffecting me. I've accomplished great things. I've grown. I've loved. I've lusted. I've drowned. Meaning. Missing meaning. Purpose. Needing purpose.

It's as though I've decided to spin spin spin spin in circles this entire year. And for this moment, one moment, i'm stopping. I'm nauseous. I'm disoriented. Every step i take forward now i stumble and i can't even focus on which way is straight. I can't see 2 feet ahead since everything else is still spinning around me.

Do i sit until i find my bearings? Do i remain standing and trudge through the dizziness? Do i wait for someone to put their hand on my shoulder?

This field I'm in is huge and no one will ever bother me as i spin away. I can spin until i die. But that's not what i want. It has seemed fun at first, but too much of anything will kill.

I have super strong beliefs about beliefs.

Belief, for me, is like a theory or assumption of what one "thinks" or "feels" the truth is. It's an emotional or logical response to data or opinions handed to us.

Truth is something one knows. Example 2+2=4.

sure, 2+2=4... but doesn't 2+1+1=4? how about 6-2?

I feel like often times, humans are given only part of the math problem causing the need for belief: 2+2+blank+blank-blank=500.

You can fill in the blanks, with multiple answers (beliefs)...would any ONE of those be the only truth though?

Limiting truth to only one possibility seems kind of weird to me when everyone has different perceptions. Everyone's truth is derived from different #'s. We all have different personalities, cultural upbringings, genetic makeup that draws us to different beliefs.

Will we ever know the total truth about an apple? about dogs? about a God? about ourselves? Does that lack of knowing matter? Does our belief, based on that lack of knowing matter? What if the only thing that Does matter is that the apple is red or green. Dogs Bark and chase cars. God wants people to love.

I like to say that total truth is irrelevant when it comes to belief. Otherwise it wouldn't be belief... it would be knowledge! You don't need to know every number that solves the equation. That's just a bunch of data. I'm more interested in leaving the possibility that others have numbers that could work in the equation that i don't even know much about. I enjoy humbling myself to the point that i say "i know very little to nothing." I hold one puzzle piece to a grand mural of a puzzle. Or maybe my piece doesn't even belong to the right puzzle? who can prove me truthfully wrong and who can prove me truthfully right? no one.

There is no set standard of truth with anything.
there is no 2+2=4 spelled out anywhere.

The majority of our being/ our purpose / who we are comes from what we believe. What we believe is not spelled out. There are so many possibilities for belief!

aside to Katlyn (the sky is based on visual perception-some animals see different colors than others, some don't even see the spectrum. Some people are blind. Some people are color blind. Some people's visual neurons are hooked in with their hearing senses. Some people "hear things" or "feel things" when they see color. To them, the sky is more of a sound or emotion. With different perception comes different belief.)

Many people say their beliefs are true. I like leaving the option that my beliefs are completely wrong because with so many varying perceptions, any belief can seem reasonable based on perception.

So I feel like i know nothing/ believe in a lot. I don't know whole truths. I don't even know if i know part of truths. I do believe though. And I believe, it's okay to believe without knowing the truth. Otherwise you would call it knowledge...

Can someone's belief matter if it is false? I say, you can't have a true or false belief. You can have true or false knowledge, but not belief. Belief is a mere stab at the truth based on perception, regardless of how strong or how weak.

-ph

Grammy for Year's Best Products

Of course music for the masses and product have entwined with each other from the start. But when did creativity and authenticity lose its say? Why do flashing lights, dance crews, and earned dollar bills factor so highly into judgement of award deserving music nowadays? It's a popularity contest. An image. Nothing more. In a nutshell, that was the Grammys which is parallel to the quality of our music industry.

people can argue which performances were better than others and who deserved what....but i could care less at which model strutted down the runway the best.

Where is Creativity? Where is the Art? Where is Music? The type of music that can make you cry. The type of music that can make you smile. Music you really feel. That the creator's can feel. The passion. Where's the passion? Seems like there's a need for a new awards show that recognizes art, not image.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble,

it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

Truth???

Truth is data. If everything were a hard drive, everything would have different data. So what, combine all those hard drives together? Discover patterns? Add 2 and 2's to a sum? Make mental spreadsheets? Gain knowledge? Live logically? Know this and that and her and him and what goes where... No, no I'd much rather have chemical reactions exploding in my head making me do irrational things and feeling feeling feeling every moment as though i'm looking up at an amazing fireworks display on the 4th of July with my jaw dropped in awe as the lights flash and spread this way and that and the sounds rumble and whistle and everyone around is smiling and loved ones are holding each other close, kids laughing, memories running, pictures being taken (physically and mentally), feeling feeling feeling the blood rush through every vein in my body.

My lungs filled with air. My eyes filled with tears. My heart filled with Love.

I'm done with data... give me Love.

-ph

Purple Magnolias

Well, I just saw 500 days of Summer for the first time and could it describe both our feelings better?

You were independent. Didn't want a relationship. But enjoyed having me around a little too much.

I never felt happier than being with you. Connected deeply with you. Loved every moment with you.

You let me in to your life. Brought me closer than anyone else.... Only to push me furthest away on a whim of a decision.

Well, funny enough, I just counted the days we've known each other. 487 Days to be exact. I do hope 13 more days ends this sadness. This longing. This yearning for someone who doesn't yearn back.

Will i ever feel this way for anyone again? And if I do will the same thing happen? Am i not a better person because of what happened? Do you ever think about how compatible we were? You became my best friend and I was yours. I miss you. How I miss you. How do i get back there?

maybe it will all end. 13 days. Just 13 more days.

Dormant

Punch me in the gut.
Pinch my arm.
Slap me in the face.

Tell me to wake up,

Cause i could live in a dream without being phased from any alarm (significant or not)

So don't let what's good pass me by. I've let it go before without even waving goodbye.

Yell in my ear.
Kick me in the shin.
Call me out.

Stop me from yawning

this hesitation is just a front.
It's how i am.
extremely blunt.

This delay is not intended
it's how i am
open ended

This silence isn't what i mean
it's how i am
in between