Punch me in the gut.
Pinch my arm.
Slap me in the face.
Tell me to wake up,
Cause i could live in a dream without being phased from any alarm (significant or not)
So don't let what's good pass me by. I've let it go before without even waving goodbye.
Yell in my ear.
Kick me in the shin.
Call me out.
Stop me from yawning
this hesitation is just a front.
It's how i am.
extremely blunt.
This delay is not intended
it's how i am
open ended
This silence isn't what i mean
it's how i am
in between
20091103
Soon A Memory
Autumn soon a memory
Aged trees with falling leaves
How I’ll miss you when you’re gone from me
Tagged with thoughts tracing back 15 years
Reminding of that which can bring me to tears
A scene of beauty, what an impact it has
To last so long, long after it’s passed
I’ll wait around another 12 months
The feelings will all return at once
But now it’s sad to see them fade
Autumn shows me too much decay.
Still, I’ll wait when gone from me
With Autumn in my reverie
Aged trees with falling leaves
How I’ll miss you when you’re gone from me
Tagged with thoughts tracing back 15 years
Reminding of that which can bring me to tears
A scene of beauty, what an impact it has
To last so long, long after it’s passed
I’ll wait around another 12 months
The feelings will all return at once
But now it’s sad to see them fade
Autumn shows me too much decay.
Still, I’ll wait when gone from me
With Autumn in my reverie
20091102
The Dull Blades of Ennui
Empty thoughts in menagerie
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to see these days
Photos I'd like to throw away.
and what a sad point of view. When your camera only captures images that are unsatisfactory to your eyes. Is it the lens or is it the photographer? Maybe it's all about location. And i can't remember the last time i created a photo album and smiled at the result. There's always something missing. Or perhaps too much of something. There's too much and too much missing all at once. And cameras only have one lens so I know I'm directly accountable for what these pictures come out as and the order they are taken. It's all on me. Is it ennui i detect? Ennui my friend, only because it stops by so often. Is it this dull blade? Dull blades nudging me isn't enough. I can't help it, I like blades that cut. Death in 2 ways. Bleeding too much or never having bled. I'm hungry for wholeness, yet not being fed.
Hang on. Hurry now. A still moment arrives. Is this not good lighting? Take the picture before it slips. But, Oh how my hands are shaking and sweating and no, no i can't take this picture. I'm afraid this will bring the same effect as the rest of the scrapbook. If needed I'll take it but don't let me look. Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Silence. Teeth clenched. Face tense and my head heavy as stones.
click...
again.
What a sad routine. Modes of melancholy return.
What should i dislike and for what should i yearn?
from picture to picture i never seem to learn.
and there's this clamor of advice in my ear: The deepest sadness is one that no one can see but yourself. One that's inexplicable. Not in words. Not with colors. Not through feel or smell or taste. Telling it's tale won't release it. Nor will hearing it.
Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Empty thoughts in menagerie
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to do these days
Throw photos i don't want away.
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to see these days
Photos I'd like to throw away.
and what a sad point of view. When your camera only captures images that are unsatisfactory to your eyes. Is it the lens or is it the photographer? Maybe it's all about location. And i can't remember the last time i created a photo album and smiled at the result. There's always something missing. Or perhaps too much of something. There's too much and too much missing all at once. And cameras only have one lens so I know I'm directly accountable for what these pictures come out as and the order they are taken. It's all on me. Is it ennui i detect? Ennui my friend, only because it stops by so often. Is it this dull blade? Dull blades nudging me isn't enough. I can't help it, I like blades that cut. Death in 2 ways. Bleeding too much or never having bled. I'm hungry for wholeness, yet not being fed.
Hang on. Hurry now. A still moment arrives. Is this not good lighting? Take the picture before it slips. But, Oh how my hands are shaking and sweating and no, no i can't take this picture. I'm afraid this will bring the same effect as the rest of the scrapbook. If needed I'll take it but don't let me look. Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Silence. Teeth clenched. Face tense and my head heavy as stones.
click...
again.
What a sad routine. Modes of melancholy return.
What should i dislike and for what should i yearn?
from picture to picture i never seem to learn.
and there's this clamor of advice in my ear: The deepest sadness is one that no one can see but yourself. One that's inexplicable. Not in words. Not with colors. Not through feel or smell or taste. Telling it's tale won't release it. Nor will hearing it.
Don't let me look. Whatever you do, don't let me look.
Empty thoughts in menagerie
This lonely view stabbing me
It's all i seem to do these days
Throw photos i don't want away.
20091015
Noise, Rapids, and Ropes
Meditation- a word I now reflect on in it's moment of necessity.
What noise is this, in it's eerie dissonance? flooding my life. Pulling me this way and that.
Slightly detached, i see this all as a dream. And here i am, pinching myself. I miss the moments where i've smiled the most. Those moments which involved unions of reverie and reality. Those moments haunt me. I can sense it's ghost. I miss sitting outside starbucks, watching the sunset before everyone's awake. I miss those bike rides to the greenway after midnight. I miss wandering walks in deep thought. Writing in cafe's from daybreak to eventide. I miss the people who weren't confused by what I said. Understood it didn't have to make sense instead. Those sweet escapes from all that's mundane. I miss feeling emotionally pressed. I miss walking with the inane. The people who get my blood rushing. No right or wrong or feeling out of place. Just existing as a piece of humanity. Now, I seldom get that fix. My expectations are either hit or miss. Those things that bring me to life... for better or for worse. Transcendentalism, where have you gone? I've been seeking you out. Does filling my days with all of this busy work fill the gaping hole. It doesn't come close. There's emptiness. It's here. It's there. That pale ghost. Bitterness presses its lips against me.
Time itself moves faster than light.
and these days are moving much too quickly.
All that seems to cross my mind is
too much sound makes a muddy mix.
Water wears on rocks they pass.
Flexibility only goes so far. Even rubber bands snap.
Still i seem to forget. There's something I'm forgetting. A detail that makes all the difference in the world.
I forgot that all of this clamor ringing in my ear:
I was the one who turned the volume up.
This violent current running at rapid speeds:
I was the one who dived in.
This constant tug of war with me in the middle:
I handed out the ends of the rope.
I jumped out of the plane...no one pushed me. And this free fall is more than i thought it would be.
But in the midst of all this dissonance, these rapidly moving days, this stretching of all i can give...
How does one find tranquility?
Welllllllllll, all you wonderful chaps will find me laying on the floor in the middle of my room, 2:30 a.m, Chinese stress balls rolling in hand, pumpkin spice candle lit, listening to Classic Sinatra, and contemplating metaphysical abstractions.
What noise is this, in it's eerie dissonance? flooding my life. Pulling me this way and that.
Slightly detached, i see this all as a dream. And here i am, pinching myself. I miss the moments where i've smiled the most. Those moments which involved unions of reverie and reality. Those moments haunt me. I can sense it's ghost. I miss sitting outside starbucks, watching the sunset before everyone's awake. I miss those bike rides to the greenway after midnight. I miss wandering walks in deep thought. Writing in cafe's from daybreak to eventide. I miss the people who weren't confused by what I said. Understood it didn't have to make sense instead. Those sweet escapes from all that's mundane. I miss feeling emotionally pressed. I miss walking with the inane. The people who get my blood rushing. No right or wrong or feeling out of place. Just existing as a piece of humanity. Now, I seldom get that fix. My expectations are either hit or miss. Those things that bring me to life... for better or for worse. Transcendentalism, where have you gone? I've been seeking you out. Does filling my days with all of this busy work fill the gaping hole. It doesn't come close. There's emptiness. It's here. It's there. That pale ghost. Bitterness presses its lips against me.
Time itself moves faster than light.
and these days are moving much too quickly.
All that seems to cross my mind is
too much sound makes a muddy mix.
Water wears on rocks they pass.
Flexibility only goes so far. Even rubber bands snap.
Still i seem to forget. There's something I'm forgetting. A detail that makes all the difference in the world.
I forgot that all of this clamor ringing in my ear:
I was the one who turned the volume up.
This violent current running at rapid speeds:
I was the one who dived in.
This constant tug of war with me in the middle:
I handed out the ends of the rope.
I jumped out of the plane...no one pushed me. And this free fall is more than i thought it would be.
But in the midst of all this dissonance, these rapidly moving days, this stretching of all i can give...
How does one find tranquility?
Welllllllllll, all you wonderful chaps will find me laying on the floor in the middle of my room, 2:30 a.m, Chinese stress balls rolling in hand, pumpkin spice candle lit, listening to Classic Sinatra, and contemplating metaphysical abstractions.
20091005
Rough Draft: Being Agnostic (take 1)
The loneliest life is one of an agnostic theist. You'll have some religious friends. Some atheist friends. And while you accept them for what they believe, you know ultimately that neither of the two accept you for what you believe. They'll say "you have to know one side is right and one side is wrong" To them, there is no difference between belief and knowledge though. So while i don't view any belief as right or wrong....everyone else does.
Whether you're using feeling judgment to accept God, or hard logic to disprove God.... Nobody knows what judgment is right and which one is wrong. You cannot make a definite out of an indefinite. Otherwise it's not belief. It's knowledge. If you know something is true you can prove it. There's no need to even attempt to prove belief. Thus, I don't make an indefinite thing a right or wrong match. It is simply belief and only belief. Not knowledge. It is a literal leap in the dark without evidence. No need for a bible. No need for a story. No need for a priest. No need for a religion. No need for evidence. It is a leap. It's been that way for ages when it comes to unanswerable questions and it will continue that way.
I can believe aliens exist without having evidence or knowing they exist just like I can believe in a God without knowing he exists.
Christians will say "You lack faith and need to form a relationship with a biblical character.Clearly the bible proves there is a God" Same with most Any religion....follow this structure cause it's the right one. Here's our reason for it....
Atheists will say "Can't you see all of the flaws in the bible? Can't you see evolution? Clearly that means there's absolutely no God."
Well Christians I'm sorry. I have no attachment to the bible, nor prayer. If God existed the exact way you perceive him, he would punish people for an eternity who never even got a chance to read the bible. Fun question: Would a loving creator create only with intention to judge it's creation be means of reward and torture? if so, I strongly dislike such creator.
And atheists.... i can't say evolution means there's no creator. Use logic all you want. Logic comes from neurotransmitters in our brain. You think our minds are accurate? take a few psych classes and your perspective might change. fun question for you: Why is logical evidence more superior than emotional evidence? Is absolute truth discovered through human brain intelligence only?
Thus, it makes sense to balance both sides of judgment and humbly admit, all evidence is flawed.
Balancing all forms of perception only allows belief in the possibility that you might be wrong simultaneously with you might be right. There is no definite. And i'm ok with that. And if a God created my type of mindset/emotions of infinte possibilities. Taking all perception into consideration. Apparently he's okay with that too.
I've never said anyone is wrong or right. And i'm tired of hearing each side bash each other based on evidence and proofs. It's like watching 5 year olds fight over "who started it first." These definitives of right and wrong are where superiority comes from. A.K.A. I know and you don't. A.K.A war.
Agnostic Theist. The loneliest lot to walk this earth.
Whether you're using feeling judgment to accept God, or hard logic to disprove God.... Nobody knows what judgment is right and which one is wrong. You cannot make a definite out of an indefinite. Otherwise it's not belief. It's knowledge. If you know something is true you can prove it. There's no need to even attempt to prove belief. Thus, I don't make an indefinite thing a right or wrong match. It is simply belief and only belief. Not knowledge. It is a literal leap in the dark without evidence. No need for a bible. No need for a story. No need for a priest. No need for a religion. No need for evidence. It is a leap. It's been that way for ages when it comes to unanswerable questions and it will continue that way.
I can believe aliens exist without having evidence or knowing they exist just like I can believe in a God without knowing he exists.
Christians will say "You lack faith and need to form a relationship with a biblical character.Clearly the bible proves there is a God" Same with most Any religion....follow this structure cause it's the right one. Here's our reason for it....
Atheists will say "Can't you see all of the flaws in the bible? Can't you see evolution? Clearly that means there's absolutely no God."
Well Christians I'm sorry. I have no attachment to the bible, nor prayer. If God existed the exact way you perceive him, he would punish people for an eternity who never even got a chance to read the bible. Fun question: Would a loving creator create only with intention to judge it's creation be means of reward and torture? if so, I strongly dislike such creator.
And atheists.... i can't say evolution means there's no creator. Use logic all you want. Logic comes from neurotransmitters in our brain. You think our minds are accurate? take a few psych classes and your perspective might change. fun question for you: Why is logical evidence more superior than emotional evidence? Is absolute truth discovered through human brain intelligence only?
Thus, it makes sense to balance both sides of judgment and humbly admit, all evidence is flawed.
Balancing all forms of perception only allows belief in the possibility that you might be wrong simultaneously with you might be right. There is no definite. And i'm ok with that. And if a God created my type of mindset/emotions of infinte possibilities. Taking all perception into consideration. Apparently he's okay with that too.
I've never said anyone is wrong or right. And i'm tired of hearing each side bash each other based on evidence and proofs. It's like watching 5 year olds fight over "who started it first." These definitives of right and wrong are where superiority comes from. A.K.A. I know and you don't. A.K.A war.
Agnostic Theist. The loneliest lot to walk this earth.
20090929
How Do You Sleep At Night?
Verse 1
you think emotion is nothing short of a toy
play until your bored then find some other boy
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Pre chorus:
you'd watch me break out in tears
your conscience would still be clear
Chorus
I guess you can live a life telling lies breaking hearts cutting ties
can't say its wrong and who knows if i'm right?
i just don't know how you sleep at night
Verse 2:
You think love is nothing short of a game
loser cleans up the mess and hangs their head in shame
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
just to play dumb
lead me on lead me on
you know I'm under your thumb
Chorus:
Bridge:
you wear your skirts real high
you let your hair down low
you get a little too close
just to catch my eye
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Chrous:
how do you sleep at night?
how do you sleep at night?
just finished writing and playing this song live in t-minus 7 hours
you think emotion is nothing short of a toy
play until your bored then find some other boy
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Pre chorus:
you'd watch me break out in tears
your conscience would still be clear
Chorus
I guess you can live a life telling lies breaking hearts cutting ties
can't say its wrong and who knows if i'm right?
i just don't know how you sleep at night
Verse 2:
You think love is nothing short of a game
loser cleans up the mess and hangs their head in shame
Hook:
lead me on lead me on
just to play dumb
lead me on lead me on
you know I'm under your thumb
Chorus:
Bridge:
you wear your skirts real high
you let your hair down low
you get a little too close
just to catch my eye
lead me on lead me on
but it's only pretend
lead me on lead me on
but say we're just friends
Chrous:
how do you sleep at night?
how do you sleep at night?
just finished writing and playing this song live in t-minus 7 hours
20090928
What Makes Ghosts Go Away?
Her words of explanation were only these.
It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.
--C.S. Lewis
You see me every now and then. You purposefully look away. How do i get back there? That small window of time where we were happy. That window haunts me. Because something so pure became covered in dirt. What picked me up also hurt. But what's music without dissonance? What's love without heartache? No pain no gain i guess. You can't cook without making a mess.
The good guy will come out on top at the end of the story though, right?... RIGHT???
Regardless, I'm much better now. I hold my own unlike back then. I don't cling. I've got close friends. I'm not afraid to sing. I'm not afraid to bend. And oh how i wish i met you now instead. But would I have grown as much as I did?
Perhaps I'll never know. One day I'll realize.
Though we're alone. It's a blessing in disguise.
It is for people whom we care nothing about that we demand happiness on any terms: with our friends, our lovers, our children, we are exacting and would rather see them suffer much than be happy in contemptible and estranging modes.
--C.S. Lewis
You see me every now and then. You purposefully look away. How do i get back there? That small window of time where we were happy. That window haunts me. Because something so pure became covered in dirt. What picked me up also hurt. But what's music without dissonance? What's love without heartache? No pain no gain i guess. You can't cook without making a mess.
The good guy will come out on top at the end of the story though, right?... RIGHT???
Regardless, I'm much better now. I hold my own unlike back then. I don't cling. I've got close friends. I'm not afraid to sing. I'm not afraid to bend. And oh how i wish i met you now instead. But would I have grown as much as I did?
Perhaps I'll never know. One day I'll realize.
Though we're alone. It's a blessing in disguise.
20090921
Idiosyncratic Reasoning
It all boils down to some chemical reactions exploding in our heads that create feelings and those...those consistently clash with the logic we supposedly have. And there we have it. Cognitive Dissonance. It's all the human knows. So why not live these days by nomadic designs? Why color within manmade lines? Why live in any feeling or thought that's not your own. Why rent a house when you can build a home?
20090907
A Boat, Beneath A Sunny Sky
A boat, beneath a sunny sky
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July -
Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear -
Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die:
Autumn frosts have slain July.
Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.
Children yet, the tale to hear.
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:
Ever drifting down the stream -
Lingering in the golden gleam -
Life, what is it but a dream?
-Lewis Carroll
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July -
Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear -
Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die:
Autumn frosts have slain July.
Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.
Children yet, the tale to hear.
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.
In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:
Ever drifting down the stream -
Lingering in the golden gleam -
Life, what is it but a dream?
-Lewis Carroll
20090906
Free Written Stream of Consciousness
once again i watch it melt away like snow. this feeling doesn't exist. It dissolves i watch it decompose. Slowly. Quick. Slowly. And that cycle going moving going. Every river flows. No matter what speed. Flowing flowing. Will we ever enjoy what we see? Will we ever recieve what we need? Flowing Flowing. Holding on to branches along the way. No such thing as being still. It's always going by. Hi. Bye. On the ground. In the sky. Rivers flowing, feelings growing, emotions showing, people coming and going without me ever knowing. The on lookers and spectators arent really paying attention. This river will always be this way. Want, need, dissolve, decay, love, fall apart, desire, hope, intention, invention, rising action, falling action, over and over and over and over and over and over and over flowing. How long before i sink beneath? how long does it take to drown? how long before i need to breathe? How long before i come down? Do answers even matter? it's mad. flowing. flowing. No control. The water enfolds. It's mostly cold. At best. no more no less. Things seem to be. That's all. They are what they are. Why does it bother me? Why do i hope for more? Why are my expectations so high? Coal won't change to diamonds in front of my eyes. Cop out "it takes time, it takes time" Really? Perception is the only changeable. Nothing else. Systems in place and won't erase. Rip these pages. Burn these bridges. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Write with ink. Shoot the arrow. hit or miss. are there such things? is there anything? flowing flowing. Whether or not your rowing. flowing flowing. Whether or not your rowing.
20090807
This Morning. hmmmm
I took a shower and pretended i was in an insane asylum. For you see, i closed my eyes and opened them only to notice tiled white squares all around me. I'm afraid that my thoughts already match that of an inmate, so the subtle change in environment was the small kick i needed to actually imagine it in full. I suppose that's the same for most other things as well. But, Is a cook a cook outside the kitchen? is a prisoner a prisoner outside of prison? hmm
then again I also opened my blinds this morning. Blinds that overlook starbucks (or does starbucks underlook my blinds?) while i was in my boxers. Was it the overlooker being awkward or was it the underlooker feeling awkward? hmmm
then again I also opened my blinds this morning. Blinds that overlook starbucks (or does starbucks underlook my blinds?) while i was in my boxers. Was it the overlooker being awkward or was it the underlooker feeling awkward? hmmm
Nice of You to Stop By!
Doubt I see we meet again.
You visit so often you must be a friend.
I have good manners so I let you in.
In the back of my head, I know where you've been.
You say there's things I mustn't need
You know where it hurts, you know where I bleed
You plea your case logically.
Explain it all in depth to me.
You show me lots of evidence
and ask me to use common sense.
But Doubt, I'm afraid I disagree
with "common sense" and "reality."
See, you draw lines I dare not cross,
but my good friend, you're not the boss.
I'm sorry, though, you mustn't be sad.
I'm just not the type to be had.
Now if you don't mind, I've tasks at hand.
Loved the chat, but I have bigger plans.
You're welcome to stay. That goes without mention.
But I can't promise I'll pay you much attention.
I shan't let disbelief run amok.
So I must be off now...wish me luck!
You visit so often you must be a friend.
I have good manners so I let you in.
In the back of my head, I know where you've been.
You say there's things I mustn't need
You know where it hurts, you know where I bleed
You plea your case logically.
Explain it all in depth to me.
You show me lots of evidence
and ask me to use common sense.
But Doubt, I'm afraid I disagree
with "common sense" and "reality."
See, you draw lines I dare not cross,
but my good friend, you're not the boss.
I'm sorry, though, you mustn't be sad.
I'm just not the type to be had.
Now if you don't mind, I've tasks at hand.
Loved the chat, but I have bigger plans.
You're welcome to stay. That goes without mention.
But I can't promise I'll pay you much attention.
I shan't let disbelief run amok.
So I must be off now...wish me luck!
20090801
Month Of July Highlight Reel.
-Slept in a mansion
-Bet on horses/lost
-Watched fireworks
-Rode in an airplane
-Broke into my locked car
-Learned Signal Flow (recording)
-Composed songs
-Hit a Kitten
-Sold my car
-Bought an Amp with my car money.
-Drank lots of vanilla coke
-Got my obnoxious roommates in trouble with the cops
-Fixed my Macbook
-Wrote lots of words
-Got a job as a Writing Tutor
-Got a TN drivers license (they put the wrong height)
-Said farewell to somebody who knows me well.
-Had a welcome home party at Chuck E Cheese
-Remained unemployed
-Took the Facebook Patronus quiz and received a bat.
-Ate Hibachi
-Bought vinyl
-Bet on horses/lost
-Watched fireworks
-Rode in an airplane
-Broke into my locked car
-Learned Signal Flow (recording)
-Composed songs
-Hit a Kitten
-Sold my car
-Bought an Amp with my car money.
-Drank lots of vanilla coke
-Got my obnoxious roommates in trouble with the cops
-Fixed my Macbook
-Wrote lots of words
-Got a job as a Writing Tutor
-Got a TN drivers license (they put the wrong height)
-Said farewell to somebody who knows me well.
-Had a welcome home party at Chuck E Cheese
-Remained unemployed
-Took the Facebook Patronus quiz and received a bat.
-Ate Hibachi
-Bought vinyl
20090719
20090508
My Final Words Before Summer
Dear Scruffy West Publications Blog,
just kidding, i couldn't stay mad at you. This has turned into a humorous situation where i know only 2 people are reading you. Me being one of them. However i plan on changing your name when i get back from Dallas, Texas selling books door to door which is possibly the most random thing i've ever done. And that's saying something from a random person. Am i nervous? yea. Extremely!!! 12 hour work days is insanity. So much emotional stress. I realize that i never tell anyone how vulnerable i actually am. Hence, a blog of truth that 2 people have access to. But back on track, I also plan on getting more people to read you. This was just a trial period. I'll also give you a decent design rather than the semi newspaper publications look i was initially aiming for. I don't write black and white. I write ridiculous. That deserves a ridiculous design. Not a Newspaper design. I'm just gonna be straightforward. Sephra, i know you're reading this. Give me design suggestions haha. Oh and i'm still awkward around you but whats new. I so enjoyed my chocolate chip pancake last night. One day we'll play compatibility. That wasn't meant to be a metaphor. was it? just kidding. Am i? K that got twisted on many levels.
But i know you can follow it through and laugh.
Don't be a stranger is the only favor i ask.
Those lines sum up so much of how i feel even though it was lighthearted.
I never know when to draw the line between laughing and crying. Regardless, funny sentimental people deserve funny sentimental dedicated blogs.
I would tell you to stay awesome but I know I don't have to worry about that.
If i shall not hear from you again till fall (insert sad face here),
remember the alamo...
all my lovin,
ph
one more thing: my shuttle broke down as it was driving me to school during finals week. It broke down at campus crossings, and i had to walk the rest of the way to Mass Comm.... 12.6 minutes walk : )
just kidding, i couldn't stay mad at you. This has turned into a humorous situation where i know only 2 people are reading you. Me being one of them. However i plan on changing your name when i get back from Dallas, Texas selling books door to door which is possibly the most random thing i've ever done. And that's saying something from a random person. Am i nervous? yea. Extremely!!! 12 hour work days is insanity. So much emotional stress. I realize that i never tell anyone how vulnerable i actually am. Hence, a blog of truth that 2 people have access to. But back on track, I also plan on getting more people to read you. This was just a trial period. I'll also give you a decent design rather than the semi newspaper publications look i was initially aiming for. I don't write black and white. I write ridiculous. That deserves a ridiculous design. Not a Newspaper design. I'm just gonna be straightforward. Sephra, i know you're reading this. Give me design suggestions haha. Oh and i'm still awkward around you but whats new. I so enjoyed my chocolate chip pancake last night. One day we'll play compatibility. That wasn't meant to be a metaphor. was it? just kidding. Am i? K that got twisted on many levels.
But i know you can follow it through and laugh.
Don't be a stranger is the only favor i ask.
Those lines sum up so much of how i feel even though it was lighthearted.
I never know when to draw the line between laughing and crying. Regardless, funny sentimental people deserve funny sentimental dedicated blogs.
I would tell you to stay awesome but I know I don't have to worry about that.
If i shall not hear from you again till fall (insert sad face here),
remember the alamo...
all my lovin,
ph
one more thing: my shuttle broke down as it was driving me to school during finals week. It broke down at campus crossings, and i had to walk the rest of the way to Mass Comm.... 12.6 minutes walk : )
I actually questioned my blog???
Take a picture of me now and this is what you'll see.
Dear blog,
I don't know what to think about you. You drive truth out of me to the point of tears. Is that a good thing?
I feel like i can't match your clever conveyance in person all the time. It's so much effort.
People say i'm extroverted. I'm confused.
Change of subject
he will take glasses off cause he knows his sight is bad. That way he's happier. He can't see things that make him sad.
He will talk in third person as though he's not really in his life. More like reading someone else's tragedy cause all the pain makes for an interesting story.
He will not say what he really wants, in times most appropriate to speak. So meek. So weak. 44 is not what he meant.
He will remain obscure and mysterious.
He will write words to raise others expectations, and fear living up to them.
He will put this bit of truth in an almost completely unknown blog but not in a public one.
He will drive home stupidly fast. So fast as though he wanted to crash.
He wants bad habits dead but is not a murderer.
He will look at the full moon alone.
Pray to a god he hasn't thought of in years.
he will not embellish this post to sound more than it is. This is the image. This is it.
Dear blog,
I don't know what to think about you. You drive truth out of me to the point of tears. Is that a good thing?
I feel like i can't match your clever conveyance in person all the time. It's so much effort.
People say i'm extroverted. I'm confused.
Change of subject
he will take glasses off cause he knows his sight is bad. That way he's happier. He can't see things that make him sad.
He will talk in third person as though he's not really in his life. More like reading someone else's tragedy cause all the pain makes for an interesting story.
He will not say what he really wants, in times most appropriate to speak. So meek. So weak. 44 is not what he meant.
He will remain obscure and mysterious.
He will write words to raise others expectations, and fear living up to them.
He will put this bit of truth in an almost completely unknown blog but not in a public one.
He will drive home stupidly fast. So fast as though he wanted to crash.
He wants bad habits dead but is not a murderer.
He will look at the full moon alone.
Pray to a god he hasn't thought of in years.
he will not embellish this post to sound more than it is. This is the image. This is it.
20090504
Esoteric Contemplation
Isn't it true? every truth has a bite to it.
What makes me feel alive always seems short lived.
Isn't it true?
I'll smile and watch the sunrise. I'll cry and watch it leave.
That pattern is here and keeps its hold on me.
Touch isn't hard enough.
Hearing isn't loud enough.
Seeing isn't aesthetic enough.
Smell isn't as fragrant
Taste isn't as pleasing.
Feeling Intangibles. That's the only sense present.
Walking alone at 4 a.m
The rain doesn't feel wet enough
The music i listen to isn't sad enough
Words i read aren't descriptive enough
My bloody nose isn't appropriate enough
bitterness doesn't taste bitter enough...
She'll ask me "how are you."
I'll say "I'm fine"
I'm fine.
I'm lying.
I'm fine.
I won't escape my head. Thoughts are here to stay. Hope is gonna be the death of me. But i'd rather die believing there is possibility (even at it's ridiculously smallest chance) as opposed to having no hope at all. And what sick allegorical meaning the word hope has right now.
Here it is. I'm talking to myself again. Can i shatter some more please? This crystallized structure i work so hard to create only lasts to an extent. Wouldn't you know it? How much you can vent when in lack of emotion. Words constructed to open up everything i never spoke. The words i love to choke. The words you wanted to know. You held that book of secrets and didn't wanna let go. Don't pretend you weren't intrigued. More than once i caught you trying to read. As chance would have it here it is.
This is how it begun. Raw and bland in it's full obscure extent.
"I really care for once... and that's an understatement."
So meaningless though. At least to one of us. You want that book to shut.
Isn't it true? truth just bit. No matter how hard i try i can't match its wit.
So i'll just dry my clothes,
Take my headphones off,
Close this book,
Wipe the blood from my nose,
Spit out any bitterness.
Nothing overcomes this intangible sense.
It has become far too immense.
and in all this resistance
all this indifference.
I swear to god
I've got no defense.
I'll smile and watch the sunrise. I'll cry and watch it leave.
That pattern is here to stay and keeps its hold on me.
What makes me feel alive always seems short lived.
Isn't it true?
I'll smile and watch the sunrise. I'll cry and watch it leave.
That pattern is here and keeps its hold on me.
Touch isn't hard enough.
Hearing isn't loud enough.
Seeing isn't aesthetic enough.
Smell isn't as fragrant
Taste isn't as pleasing.
Feeling Intangibles. That's the only sense present.
Walking alone at 4 a.m
The rain doesn't feel wet enough
The music i listen to isn't sad enough
Words i read aren't descriptive enough
My bloody nose isn't appropriate enough
bitterness doesn't taste bitter enough...
She'll ask me "how are you."
I'll say "I'm fine"
I'm fine.
I'm lying.
I'm fine.
I won't escape my head. Thoughts are here to stay. Hope is gonna be the death of me. But i'd rather die believing there is possibility (even at it's ridiculously smallest chance) as opposed to having no hope at all. And what sick allegorical meaning the word hope has right now.
Here it is. I'm talking to myself again. Can i shatter some more please? This crystallized structure i work so hard to create only lasts to an extent. Wouldn't you know it? How much you can vent when in lack of emotion. Words constructed to open up everything i never spoke. The words i love to choke. The words you wanted to know. You held that book of secrets and didn't wanna let go. Don't pretend you weren't intrigued. More than once i caught you trying to read. As chance would have it here it is.
This is how it begun. Raw and bland in it's full obscure extent.
"I really care for once... and that's an understatement."
So meaningless though. At least to one of us. You want that book to shut.
Isn't it true? truth just bit. No matter how hard i try i can't match its wit.
So i'll just dry my clothes,
Take my headphones off,
Close this book,
Wipe the blood from my nose,
Spit out any bitterness.
Nothing overcomes this intangible sense.
It has become far too immense.
and in all this resistance
all this indifference.
I swear to god
I've got no defense.
I'll smile and watch the sunrise. I'll cry and watch it leave.
That pattern is here to stay and keeps its hold on me.
20090427
Pen to Page
Classes are coming to a close and so many other things are as well. It feels like this happens over and over again. A blanket of worries disappears quicker than a magic trick when the semester starts diminishing. It's like a long chapter of odd structure, mystery, cynicism, and fear comes to an abrupt ending.
I close my eyes and reopen them.
I see black spots in the air as though i just awoke and the room was slightly spinning. Off balance i stagger a step or two
Blink slowly again and reopen
I find myself looking at green grass under a warm sun whose beams make everything a little less dull and a little more shinny. Enchanting how something unclear and in disarray turns into something bright and shiny in the matter of seconds. That fresh feeling alone is worth living. Slowly walking through the soft blades from which fireflies were emerging i could hear a tune reminiscent, appropriate, and capturing. All the worry, stress, pain, desire, death, awakening in abstract proportions. In the time frame of a song these emotional states replay themselves in their previous forms. And all these previous states, in older moments meant everything, now are laughable memories. A chapter just closed on me again and looking back it always seems humorous and ironic the way such chapter played out.
Blink
A feeling of being born again washes over me as i look around and observe the people surrounding. For once, everyone else seems a little out of place....not me. For once, everyone else seems a little unsure of themselves. For once, everyone else has writers block. It's almost as though i knew a chain of events would lead up to this day, i just always doubted it would happen. A day where everything summarizes itself and the bigger mysterious picture i've worked so hard to create actually became evident. I've gone beyond myself.
I blink again. A tear breaks
Now knowing my full accountability for the chapter that follows, I find myself holding a pen full of ink. Hovering over a piece of paper, I start thinking to myself. In the last chapter, i questioned ever finishing this book, how it would look in the end, and pondered it's meaning (if any)....
How about this chapter i enjoy simply writing the book instead? Yea..... Yea I like that idea.
Eyes Closed. Deep Breath. Exhale and Release. Reopen.
Write.
I close my eyes and reopen them.
I see black spots in the air as though i just awoke and the room was slightly spinning. Off balance i stagger a step or two
Blink slowly again and reopen
I find myself looking at green grass under a warm sun whose beams make everything a little less dull and a little more shinny. Enchanting how something unclear and in disarray turns into something bright and shiny in the matter of seconds. That fresh feeling alone is worth living. Slowly walking through the soft blades from which fireflies were emerging i could hear a tune reminiscent, appropriate, and capturing. All the worry, stress, pain, desire, death, awakening in abstract proportions. In the time frame of a song these emotional states replay themselves in their previous forms. And all these previous states, in older moments meant everything, now are laughable memories. A chapter just closed on me again and looking back it always seems humorous and ironic the way such chapter played out.
Blink
A feeling of being born again washes over me as i look around and observe the people surrounding. For once, everyone else seems a little out of place....not me. For once, everyone else seems a little unsure of themselves. For once, everyone else has writers block. It's almost as though i knew a chain of events would lead up to this day, i just always doubted it would happen. A day where everything summarizes itself and the bigger mysterious picture i've worked so hard to create actually became evident. I've gone beyond myself.
I blink again. A tear breaks
Now knowing my full accountability for the chapter that follows, I find myself holding a pen full of ink. Hovering over a piece of paper, I start thinking to myself. In the last chapter, i questioned ever finishing this book, how it would look in the end, and pondered it's meaning (if any)....
How about this chapter i enjoy simply writing the book instead? Yea..... Yea I like that idea.
Eyes Closed. Deep Breath. Exhale and Release. Reopen.
Write.
20090417
A Thursday Night
1 a.m i come home from a show, one of my roommates is pounding on his bathroom floor cause he's on a trip. Every 15 minutes he screams at the top of his lungs like he has turrets. Natty light in hand. He takes another sip. The sirens roar outside. I look out the window. Someone just got arrested. Banging on my front door presents itself. two guys prepped up in khakis and polo came over to kick my other 2 roommates asses. They owed drug money. I said sure i'll leave a message. Walking through a kitchen full of wreckage, i left a message written in ink. I taped it right above the sink. I thought there it was somewhat obvious. But so is getting a life. I give them too much credit sometimes, despite how sad it is. Cars drive by with music blasted. Past the point of discernment. To them, this is culture. This is life. This is what's accepted. Altering the mind with heroin injected. Writing a brief is proving to be hectic.
20090416
this book is coming to an end
You didn't have the guts enough
to tell it to my face
You were too sensitive
to call me a waste
times that i needed you
you laughed and looked away
your immature to my dismay
I'm just piecing it together
this process was much too slow
you need help more than me
but you'll never see
you'll never know
in all this cynicism
all this disbelief
all this insecurity
all this omniscience
all these false hopes
all these false dreams
all my wishful thinking
The last thing i wanted was for you to prove me right
The pattern continues
the lights again fade
i feel as though
I'll always feel this way
you wanted something constant
here it is
this cycle, this sad routine, this trend
It's become clear
that was the last time we became friends
that was it
no more effort
we're not worried anymore
we're not concerned
feelings follow up with burns
lesson learned lesson learned
this is the moment it all makes sense
we're better off in each others absence
officially invisible
no longer a friend
not yours truly,
stephen
to tell it to my face
You were too sensitive
to call me a waste
times that i needed you
you laughed and looked away
your immature to my dismay
I'm just piecing it together
this process was much too slow
you need help more than me
but you'll never see
you'll never know
in all this cynicism
all this disbelief
all this insecurity
all this omniscience
all these false hopes
all these false dreams
all my wishful thinking
The last thing i wanted was for you to prove me right
The pattern continues
the lights again fade
i feel as though
I'll always feel this way
you wanted something constant
here it is
this cycle, this sad routine, this trend
It's become clear
that was the last time we became friends
that was it
no more effort
we're not worried anymore
we're not concerned
feelings follow up with burns
lesson learned lesson learned
this is the moment it all makes sense
we're better off in each others absence
officially invisible
no longer a friend
not yours truly,
stephen
20090415
Killer Bees
All i know, is this is starting to sting
the aftermath is overwhelming
Sweet was just a trap
but i came back for more
These burns I thought i could endure
Out in the open
caught me out in the open
I was there willingly
blindingly hoping
a payoff would result
we both got hurt, that's my fault
I wanted something not meant for me
you knew it was only temporary
you played along until i got too close
that's where you stung, where it hurt the most
the needle's fixed in my skin
and i don't know where to begin
to take that piece of you out
will i ever know how?
Supposedly wounds heal in time
but marks they leave are left to remind
when your welcome and when to leave
when to run and when to believe
I wish i never begun
to get so close cause I got stung
confusing wants, confusing needs
sweet will sometimes make you bleed
the aftermath is overwhelming
Sweet was just a trap
but i came back for more
These burns I thought i could endure
Out in the open
caught me out in the open
I was there willingly
blindingly hoping
a payoff would result
we both got hurt, that's my fault
I wanted something not meant for me
you knew it was only temporary
you played along until i got too close
that's where you stung, where it hurt the most
the needle's fixed in my skin
and i don't know where to begin
to take that piece of you out
will i ever know how?
Supposedly wounds heal in time
but marks they leave are left to remind
when your welcome and when to leave
when to run and when to believe
I wish i never begun
to get so close cause I got stung
confusing wants, confusing needs
sweet will sometimes make you bleed
Actress
You'll call me only when it's necessary
not for friendly conversation
Smile and seem concerned
not because it's genuine
Give me a hug when others watch
just so you won't look bad
Pretend I'm a friend
but even now that's fading
I'm becoming invisible
disintegrating
becoming non existent
for even i can't see myself
becoming resistant
no one knows how to help
hold my head under water
it's less painful than this
i hold my breath in hopes to forget
needing you needing me
needing to exist
needing to breath
drowning in emptiness
not for friendly conversation
Smile and seem concerned
not because it's genuine
Give me a hug when others watch
just so you won't look bad
Pretend I'm a friend
but even now that's fading
I'm becoming invisible
disintegrating
becoming non existent
for even i can't see myself
becoming resistant
no one knows how to help
hold my head under water
it's less painful than this
i hold my breath in hopes to forget
needing you needing me
needing to exist
needing to breath
drowning in emptiness
20090405
Icy Revelations-A Tale of Uncounsciousness
Journeying across the street to buy sandwich bread at midnight is perfectly normal by my standards. Afterall, I hadn't eaten all day and there was this sudden, yet desperate, craving for pb&j that came over me like a bad cold. Needless to say, i put on my thermal sweater (because for some unknown reason it became winter last night with 3 inches of snow while the day before it was clearly spring), set my sony earphones in place for rockin (i have this concept that music helps me withstand coldness), put my trusty winter hat on top o my head (you would think this were a pilgrimage), and set forth across the foggy winter night street...No i did not use the crosswalk thank you: Stephen Rebel West.
So in between my apartment and the grocery store is a Dairy Queen, a Car Wash, and a Gas Station... I always cut through the parking lots of these businesses cause they make nice shortcuts.
Little Did I Know!
that as i should pass through the car wash parking lot, I would slip on a patch of ice and knockout...yep knockout
So i lay unconscious in a freezing cold (literally) vacant lot at midnight listening to Silversun Pickups and Oh My Gawd! it must have been the greatest thing that's happened to me in a long time. The album was almost over when i would finally awake, however, I had some amazing revelations.
A.) Reality is our perception. Empty meaning allows you to add meaning
B.) I've received far more than I've given and shouldn't complain
C.) It's time to put this thinking to good use.
D.) Caring can hurt... but it's sooooo worth it! It's far better than the apathetic and detached feeling I've carried around for so long.
F.) The world can be really boring to me without imagination... i've always known this-i just always think about it cause it's true.
(Ever notice how the grading scale skips "E"...ABCDF)
....An hour later, i ate the best pb&j sammage ever.
So in between my apartment and the grocery store is a Dairy Queen, a Car Wash, and a Gas Station... I always cut through the parking lots of these businesses cause they make nice shortcuts.
Little Did I Know!
that as i should pass through the car wash parking lot, I would slip on a patch of ice and knockout...yep knockout
So i lay unconscious in a freezing cold (literally) vacant lot at midnight listening to Silversun Pickups and Oh My Gawd! it must have been the greatest thing that's happened to me in a long time. The album was almost over when i would finally awake, however, I had some amazing revelations.
A.) Reality is our perception. Empty meaning allows you to add meaning
B.) I've received far more than I've given and shouldn't complain
C.) It's time to put this thinking to good use.
D.) Caring can hurt... but it's sooooo worth it! It's far better than the apathetic and detached feeling I've carried around for so long.
F.) The world can be really boring to me without imagination... i've always known this-i just always think about it cause it's true.
(Ever notice how the grading scale skips "E"...ABCDF)
....An hour later, i ate the best pb&j sammage ever.
"Noteworthy" Event (get it?)
Well, Me and mah pal Nick Sharp are performing live @ Club 527 tonight (thursday) at 9 o clock pm february 12th 2009 A.D..... and i thought it best to announce this in a facebook note the morning of the show date cause i'm really on the ball.
Fun Facts About Us:
-Nick Sharp does indeed lack eyesight and is currently pursuing an English degree
-Jordan is our photographer and he has a lisp that sounds Australian.
-there's a bet for me to wear a top hat on stage.
-we're all quite eccentric (including photographer)
3 Incentives to See Our Performance:
1.) if the words "Ace of Base" mean anything to you...
2.) Nick is a comedian
3.) we pwacticed weally hawdd!
PRE GAME:
we're goin to Camino Reels around 6 o clock-ish and anyone is welcome to come share our complimentary chips and salsa!
To Be Honest
I rarely play live and i'm semi nervous so you should wish me luck regardless of your RSVP : )
Aww-Some...
-ph
Fun Facts About Us:
-Nick Sharp does indeed lack eyesight and is currently pursuing an English degree
-Jordan is our photographer and he has a lisp that sounds Australian.
-there's a bet for me to wear a top hat on stage.
-we're all quite eccentric (including photographer)
3 Incentives to See Our Performance:
1.) if the words "Ace of Base" mean anything to you...
2.) Nick is a comedian
3.) we pwacticed weally hawdd!
PRE GAME:
we're goin to Camino Reels around 6 o clock-ish and anyone is welcome to come share our complimentary chips and salsa!
To Be Honest
I rarely play live and i'm semi nervous so you should wish me luck regardless of your RSVP : )
Aww-Some...
-ph
Back To School Autobiography 2
Very First Class...
Shuffling into an Astronomy lab that was as silent as space itself, i took a seat. Minutes passed quite quickly seeing how everyone was anxious for class to actually start (only in hopes that it may end quicker.) During this time, an odd over-bubbly girl hoisting a grande chai decided to occupy the chair next to me. Now these were the kind of adjustable chairs that are possessed apparently...because once that girl sat down, her seat shot straight up a good foot into the air, throwing her, and her chai, off the seat and into an unbalanced stumble forward. I bursted out with laughter and she thought i did that as a prank or something-throwing me an evil glare. Upon that moment, i thought it was an ideal time to offer a handshake and introduce myself. She then frowned, took a sip of her chai, and stated words i've heard far too many times.... "that wasn't very nice..." and found another seat.
5 mins later we became assigned lab partners : )
In other News...
I quit fast food forever at 5:05p.m yesterday. It was glorious. I felt like i had just escaped a concentration camp.
You can now find me working for a company called Weed Man Lawncare at a wage that fine dining chefs may envy. The position i am entitled is called "door knocker."
I also am scheduled to meet with a sketchy salesman at a starbucks off of exit 66 at 9 am tuesday about "employment opportunities"
Health Related Things...
-I bought everyday vitamins and feel like a million bucks every morning now.
-i'm back on my 100 push ups a day routine just because i can.
-i joined strip tease aerobics at the rec center...kidding! (well that's what i want you to think) actually i just really wanted to see my health related things section a little more interesting and the #1 journalism rule is "Sex Sells." Utilize this rule in any conversation and see how many heads turn, i dare you.
ummmm. OOO!
I was stood up for swing dance lessons, so i joined a band instead. The act consists of me and a very energetic, 30 year old, blind friend and we will put on a show in February called Nick and Stephen 90's Revival at Club 527. Be Prepared.
5 Quick Facts that you prob could care less about right now
1.) I'm reading a very funny graphic novel called the Complete Persepolis and the author just so happens to be coming to campus this semester. She's from Persia.
2.) Banana cheerios have brought me back to not only eating breakfast again....but actually waking up in time for breakfast.
3.) Copyright Law is already my favorite school course of all time and all we talked about was the syllabus so far.
4.) I got a free large butterfinger blizzard last night at Dairy Queen because i'm really lucky.
5.) Waiters at O' Charley's are always kooky it seems! and the prime rib pasta tasted like it was drenched it quesadilla sauce from taco bell. bleh... the rolls were awesome though!
6.) I can't count
7.) I know what it feels like to find a treasure map.
8.) i would like to be inspired to create more songs...startingggggg now!
Have a great life,
-ph
Shuffling into an Astronomy lab that was as silent as space itself, i took a seat. Minutes passed quite quickly seeing how everyone was anxious for class to actually start (only in hopes that it may end quicker.) During this time, an odd over-bubbly girl hoisting a grande chai decided to occupy the chair next to me. Now these were the kind of adjustable chairs that are possessed apparently...because once that girl sat down, her seat shot straight up a good foot into the air, throwing her, and her chai, off the seat and into an unbalanced stumble forward. I bursted out with laughter and she thought i did that as a prank or something-throwing me an evil glare. Upon that moment, i thought it was an ideal time to offer a handshake and introduce myself. She then frowned, took a sip of her chai, and stated words i've heard far too many times.... "that wasn't very nice..." and found another seat.
5 mins later we became assigned lab partners : )
In other News...
I quit fast food forever at 5:05p.m yesterday. It was glorious. I felt like i had just escaped a concentration camp.
You can now find me working for a company called Weed Man Lawncare at a wage that fine dining chefs may envy. The position i am entitled is called "door knocker."
I also am scheduled to meet with a sketchy salesman at a starbucks off of exit 66 at 9 am tuesday about "employment opportunities"
Health Related Things...
-I bought everyday vitamins and feel like a million bucks every morning now.
-i'm back on my 100 push ups a day routine just because i can.
-i joined strip tease aerobics at the rec center...kidding! (well that's what i want you to think) actually i just really wanted to see my health related things section a little more interesting and the #1 journalism rule is "Sex Sells." Utilize this rule in any conversation and see how many heads turn, i dare you.
ummmm. OOO!
I was stood up for swing dance lessons, so i joined a band instead. The act consists of me and a very energetic, 30 year old, blind friend and we will put on a show in February called Nick and Stephen 90's Revival at Club 527. Be Prepared.
5 Quick Facts that you prob could care less about right now
1.) I'm reading a very funny graphic novel called the Complete Persepolis and the author just so happens to be coming to campus this semester. She's from Persia.
2.) Banana cheerios have brought me back to not only eating breakfast again....but actually waking up in time for breakfast.
3.) Copyright Law is already my favorite school course of all time and all we talked about was the syllabus so far.
4.) I got a free large butterfinger blizzard last night at Dairy Queen because i'm really lucky.
5.) Waiters at O' Charley's are always kooky it seems! and the prime rib pasta tasted like it was drenched it quesadilla sauce from taco bell. bleh... the rolls were awesome though!
6.) I can't count
7.) I know what it feels like to find a treasure map.
8.) i would like to be inspired to create more songs...startingggggg now!
Have a great life,
-ph
Upcoming Notes Teaser
i feel bad that i haven't written notes lately like i used to. I definitely had a cult like fanbase only but months ago without even needing to tag. I've been having epic stories, i just haven't been sharing em : (
BUT!
that's all gonna channngee as the semester dwindles to a halt and i'm left with nothing better to do but recount true stories with fictional flares that emanate from nonsense. Soon. Very soon...
(dirty minds will appreciate this headline but be letdown by the descriptions following it.)
Things To Come
-my second stolen bike
-"Kinko's Deception"
-"heavenly bathtub transcendentalism."
look at this as though it's a movie trailer, only i don't have an official release date and we're not in a movie theatre with popcorn. Just know it's "coming soon." Savvy?
-ph
BUT!
that's all gonna channngee as the semester dwindles to a halt and i'm left with nothing better to do but recount true stories with fictional flares that emanate from nonsense. Soon. Very soon...
(dirty minds will appreciate this headline but be letdown by the descriptions following it.)
Things To Come
-my second stolen bike
-"Kinko's Deception"
-"heavenly bathtub transcendentalism."
look at this as though it's a movie trailer, only i don't have an official release date and we're not in a movie theatre with popcorn. Just know it's "coming soon." Savvy?
-ph
Critics Can Be Useful, Right?
Just to reassure how big of a know it all critic like a$$ i can be.....i dug up this wonderful assessment from my first semester in college.
Just some background info for clarity:
In writing class, we were given an essay to review any place. She let us read, criticize, and give advice to fellow students about their essays...no one really took it that seriously but for some reason i absolutely tore this kid apart. and so it goes.
Dear Grant,
Throughout your "Writing Center" review, there are no cons that stick out. None! It seems like you simply describe what happens at the WC rather than reviewing it. Remember, review is an examination or assessment while description is only a characteristic... A description of Yao Ming is that he's very tall. An assessment of Yao Ming would be critical. For example, being Yao's height isn't that fun. Shoes are hard to find, cars aren't made big enough, and little kids think he's a giant. I turned a description into a bunch of cons by examining it. You have descriptions like "25-50 minute meetings", "small/quiet facility", "advisors are only assistants." Boring! Make a point out of these! Appeal to emotions. 50 minute meetings are very time consuming for the average student who works part time. Small facility means it's often crowded and hard to make an appointment. Did advisors help you much or didn't they? Make it interesting.
I also feel that a review is like a compare and contrast. For example, when reviewing a restaurant, you might describe where it stands compared to other dining places. In your case, I think you should be comparing the writing center to no writing center at all. Why should students spend their time scheduling appointments instead of just doing homework and papers on their own? You didn't convince me that the writing center is either good, bad, or mediocre. I think that's ultimately what a review comes down to and it wasn't fulfilled.
In the Barnes and Nobles review, I came up with mostly the same conclusion. You need cons and you need emotion. My favorite line in this review was "people can read inside without the fear of being disturbed." Fear: it's a state/emotion. It also jumped right off the page when I read it. Once again you lack cons though. Is B Nobles honestly a perfect place symbolizing Murfreesboro as a perfect place as well? Criticize, don't praise! While your descriptions are good, you lack arguments, criticism, and emotion.
You have an outline of a drawing. Color it in. Buy some crayons. Make it interesting.
Love,
Stephen
hahahaha that kid has to hate me.
Just some background info for clarity:
In writing class, we were given an essay to review any place. She let us read, criticize, and give advice to fellow students about their essays...no one really took it that seriously but for some reason i absolutely tore this kid apart. and so it goes.
Dear Grant,
Throughout your "Writing Center" review, there are no cons that stick out. None! It seems like you simply describe what happens at the WC rather than reviewing it. Remember, review is an examination or assessment while description is only a characteristic... A description of Yao Ming is that he's very tall. An assessment of Yao Ming would be critical. For example, being Yao's height isn't that fun. Shoes are hard to find, cars aren't made big enough, and little kids think he's a giant. I turned a description into a bunch of cons by examining it. You have descriptions like "25-50 minute meetings", "small/quiet facility", "advisors are only assistants." Boring! Make a point out of these! Appeal to emotions. 50 minute meetings are very time consuming for the average student who works part time. Small facility means it's often crowded and hard to make an appointment. Did advisors help you much or didn't they? Make it interesting.
I also feel that a review is like a compare and contrast. For example, when reviewing a restaurant, you might describe where it stands compared to other dining places. In your case, I think you should be comparing the writing center to no writing center at all. Why should students spend their time scheduling appointments instead of just doing homework and papers on their own? You didn't convince me that the writing center is either good, bad, or mediocre. I think that's ultimately what a review comes down to and it wasn't fulfilled.
In the Barnes and Nobles review, I came up with mostly the same conclusion. You need cons and you need emotion. My favorite line in this review was "people can read inside without the fear of being disturbed." Fear: it's a state/emotion. It also jumped right off the page when I read it. Once again you lack cons though. Is B Nobles honestly a perfect place symbolizing Murfreesboro as a perfect place as well? Criticize, don't praise! While your descriptions are good, you lack arguments, criticism, and emotion.
You have an outline of a drawing. Color it in. Buy some crayons. Make it interesting.
Love,
Stephen
hahahaha that kid has to hate me.
Coming and Going
Am i the only soul who shuffles along the empty streets at 4 a.m pondering? I've yet to find a counterpart.
songs played at the right moment can bring me to tears.
patterns of clouds during a sunset can make my jaw drop
certain people can make my day that much more easier
yet these are on and off. they come and go. you only have a short period to enjoy true beauty.
Coming and going=Sweetest Pain.
magnolias i bought, i know i'll never send...that moment is gone and won't come again
songs played at the right moment can bring me to tears.
patterns of clouds during a sunset can make my jaw drop
certain people can make my day that much more easier
yet these are on and off. they come and go. you only have a short period to enjoy true beauty.
Coming and going=Sweetest Pain.
magnolias i bought, i know i'll never send...that moment is gone and won't come again
Outline V.S Meaning
$2.16... those were the numbers that displayed within the big red signs that hung so effortlessly on the sides of a roof built to hover 6 individual pumps filled with gas. The state of disarray. Shivering and muttering words of injustice, I walked toward the gas station, away from Walmart, taking a bite out of a lightly frosted blueberry nutrigran bar that i had bought only but a few minutes ago. The t-shirt that i had been wearing in an earlier autumn sun was now defenseless against the cool temps of 37 degrees which, by the way, enfolded it's arms around me as though i was a lost dog an owner had finally found. Only with such luck, i could see the air i breathed while i searched for a place to call home at 3:00 in the morning. What brought me to such a situation?? an oh so courteous room "mate" of course, who finds nothing wrong with locking the top lock that can't be unlocked with a key and not answering after 20 minutes of hammering on the door. So, after killing an hour by playing lego batman for ps3 at such an evil corporation (walmart), i realized i needed to find somewhere to rest.
Car? eh, it was freezing out.
amanda scott's? everyone was prob asleep by now and extremely too drunk to even let me in. And if i did get in, the bed that awaited me was the floor as couch was already taken up.
under the bridge by the greenway with possible hobos? eh, it was at least an hour and a half walk (i've done it before) to get there and i probably would only have a good hour and a half of sleep before sun arose again...plus it was freezing and all i had was a t shirt, a cape, and a top hat....day after halloween (i wasn't worried about blending in with the hobos.)
So the idea sprung upon me to go to my apartment complex computer lab. Between the hours of 3 am and 5 am you could find me here in a room full of lights and computers, lounging in a chair with legs propped up on another chair, struggling to catch any glimpse of a dream. It was a comfortable room temp here, but also lights were on everywhere. and the makeshift bed comfort level hadn't been so great.
So the story brings me to now. I sit here in the early morning with about a half an hours' worth of sleep under my belt writing a story in the computer lab (my temporary bedroom) that could only be described well enough in writing rather than me speaking it.
It's 5 am (technically 6 am, but daylight savings just happened) and i have no comfort zone. No place to rest in peace. When I encounter those whom i live with, will i shout? will i laugh? will i do devious things like hide their shoelaces? I don't know. I just don't know.
I think that's what ultimately makes a story so great...you don't know what happens next. I do know that as soon as i publish this note, i'm going to walk back out into the antarctic climate with my brand new box of blueberry nutrigran bars... but what happens from there is only foreshadowed by previous moments. previous tales. Details leading up to some climax regardless of whether it's good or bad, happy or sad. Details that fill our stories, that fill our lives with the meaning we cling onto so often and so much. Without details we'd have nothing. We'd be an outline of a story, missing everything inbetween.
So weighing what could have happened and what did happen i find it hard to decipher which was for the better.
I could have been stephen, who came home, unlocked his door, and went to bed in a similar routine that will continue with certainty throughout life. but does that contain as much depth or meaning as what actually happened? Blueberry bars? Lego batman video games? antarctic climate? hobos?
it's hard for me to say i'm entirely mad about this particular situation. I mean, who doesn't want details? Who doesn't want meaning?
3 gold stars to whomever reads this note through and comprehends it cause i don't feel like going back and proofreading it....
-Stephen with a ph
Car? eh, it was freezing out.
amanda scott's? everyone was prob asleep by now and extremely too drunk to even let me in. And if i did get in, the bed that awaited me was the floor as couch was already taken up.
under the bridge by the greenway with possible hobos? eh, it was at least an hour and a half walk (i've done it before) to get there and i probably would only have a good hour and a half of sleep before sun arose again...plus it was freezing and all i had was a t shirt, a cape, and a top hat....day after halloween (i wasn't worried about blending in with the hobos.)
So the idea sprung upon me to go to my apartment complex computer lab. Between the hours of 3 am and 5 am you could find me here in a room full of lights and computers, lounging in a chair with legs propped up on another chair, struggling to catch any glimpse of a dream. It was a comfortable room temp here, but also lights were on everywhere. and the makeshift bed comfort level hadn't been so great.
So the story brings me to now. I sit here in the early morning with about a half an hours' worth of sleep under my belt writing a story in the computer lab (my temporary bedroom) that could only be described well enough in writing rather than me speaking it.
It's 5 am (technically 6 am, but daylight savings just happened) and i have no comfort zone. No place to rest in peace. When I encounter those whom i live with, will i shout? will i laugh? will i do devious things like hide their shoelaces? I don't know. I just don't know.
I think that's what ultimately makes a story so great...you don't know what happens next. I do know that as soon as i publish this note, i'm going to walk back out into the antarctic climate with my brand new box of blueberry nutrigran bars... but what happens from there is only foreshadowed by previous moments. previous tales. Details leading up to some climax regardless of whether it's good or bad, happy or sad. Details that fill our stories, that fill our lives with the meaning we cling onto so often and so much. Without details we'd have nothing. We'd be an outline of a story, missing everything inbetween.
So weighing what could have happened and what did happen i find it hard to decipher which was for the better.
I could have been stephen, who came home, unlocked his door, and went to bed in a similar routine that will continue with certainty throughout life. but does that contain as much depth or meaning as what actually happened? Blueberry bars? Lego batman video games? antarctic climate? hobos?
it's hard for me to say i'm entirely mad about this particular situation. I mean, who doesn't want details? Who doesn't want meaning?
3 gold stars to whomever reads this note through and comprehends it cause i don't feel like going back and proofreading it....
-Stephen with a ph
Snapshot of Existence
separate components
My Apartment Complex:
-my neighbor fell of their 3rd floor balcony and wouldn't go to the hospital.
-a short Asian gangster was beat uncontrollably, leaving blood on the walls of building 8.
-someone spilled applesauce...EVERYWHERE...and didn't clean it up!
Transportation:
-With help from a friend and jumper cables, 1989 Lincoln rose from the dead
-5 minutes later (i wish it were 3 days) 1989 Lincoln died again.
-i really want a semi-sporty (NOT harley davidson-esque) motorcycle!
Food:
-Chex party mix is my current fix. Annie's bunnies have stepped aside, for now only.
-My love for milk and cheese has ironically almost made me lactose intolerant according to the M.D.s
School:
-As predicted, i've lost the will to study or put forth any effort in general ed courses.
-strip tease aerobics is offered at the rec center
School Organizations:
-i shook hands with a nashville songwriter of the year or something like that.
-i'm supposed to produce membership cards but i haven't the knowledge in laminating that's o so necessary.
Personal Projects:
-I'm compiling/scoring a Snow White Movie Trailer in the style of a horror film in response to my brother's demented Lion King.
-3eb is hosting a mix contest of their unrealesed songs that they most graciously posted online. Wow. a contest. in something im majoring in. Meaning i have somewhat of a shot to play live on stage with them. well call me penelope! (i heard that expression somewhere i swear)
Success:
-the 2 amandas and i had a pre halloween costume tailgating party. A creepy janitor gave us candy. I was a magician.
Failure:
Like chalk, i believe i was erased from a once, potentially good friend's memory. If there's a good reason it's lost on me. Still i feel somewhat deceived.
Hopes:
-Kings of Leon Concert nov. 19th!
this lacks life i'm uninspired. i'm done. i give up. sorry if you were expecting something more creative based on the title.
However, I will leave whoever reads this with my fav quote of all time to make this note worth it.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac
My Apartment Complex:
-my neighbor fell of their 3rd floor balcony and wouldn't go to the hospital.
-a short Asian gangster was beat uncontrollably, leaving blood on the walls of building 8.
-someone spilled applesauce...EVERYWHERE...
Transportation:
-With help from a friend and jumper cables, 1989 Lincoln rose from the dead
-5 minutes later (i wish it were 3 days) 1989 Lincoln died again.
-i really want a semi-sporty (NOT harley davidson-esque) motorcycle!
Food:
-Chex party mix is my current fix. Annie's bunnies have stepped aside, for now only.
-My love for milk and cheese has ironically almost made me lactose intolerant according to the M.D.s
School:
-As predicted, i've lost the will to study or put forth any effort in general ed courses.
-strip tease aerobics is offered at the rec center
School Organizations:
-i shook hands with a nashville songwriter of the year or something like that.
-i'm supposed to produce membership cards but i haven't the knowledge in laminating that's o so necessary.
Personal Projects:
-I'm compiling/scoring a Snow White Movie Trailer in the style of a horror film in response to my brother's demented Lion King.
-3eb is hosting a mix contest of their unrealesed songs that they most graciously posted online. Wow. a contest. in something im majoring in. Meaning i have somewhat of a shot to play live on stage with them. well call me penelope! (i heard that expression somewhere i swear)
Success:
-the 2 amandas and i had a pre halloween costume tailgating party. A creepy janitor gave us candy. I was a magician.
Failure:
Like chalk, i believe i was erased from a once, potentially good friend's memory. If there's a good reason it's lost on me. Still i feel somewhat deceived.
Hopes:
-Kings of Leon Concert nov. 19th!
this lacks life i'm uninspired. i'm done. i give up. sorry if you were expecting something more creative based on the title.
However, I will leave whoever reads this with my fav quote of all time to make this note worth it.
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac
Back To School Autobiography
Welp, at the conclusion of my first week of school, i've decided to recount the wonderful/strange events of the past 7 days. Kinda as a highlight reel.
I met someone who is potentially my bestest bud up to date in life. We met making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the KUC before buying her school books. Afterwards we walked around campus where festivities were randomly going on in honor of incoming freshmen. We waited in line for balloon animals. I got a penguin with a fishing pole whom i named Mumbles, and she got a jelly fish hat. Then we got the sign of the ancient god Horus painted on our faces (hers glittery, mine not so glittery thank you very much.) She then took me out to eat and afterwards to her home ; ) Would have never guessed she's a divorced 26 year old self employed mother!
Next event off the top of my head. My philosophy professor Principe gave me a first assignment to read - a "meaning of life" story about sperm. The professor said "Um" 124 times the 1st day of class (i really did count) and hops up and down when trying to emphasize his point.
Moving on - I attempted to sweet talk Admissions into giving me in state tuition which was a terrible idea seeing how i'm decent at writing and terrible at talking. So my sweet talk probably came across as a bomb threat or something. I dunno. Regardless i'm still gaining 14k tuition debt per year and lovin it (hint of sarcasm.)
In other news (you'll get the pun in a second) I started writing for the school newspaper this week. and then 3 days later quit haha. I realized that work plus school plus Songwriting group+recording industry group+Article writing was pushing the envelope. Just a little.
I rented my textbooks online for really cheap and the people plant trees for every book i rent/sell from or to them. I planted 6 trees in total : ) and i also inspired someone else to do the same.
Notable Kitchen Messes:
-My friend Carter tried opening wine with a knife. I walked back into the kitchen and it looked like someone got shot with a machine gun.
(approximately 10 minutes to clean)
-Laundry detergent, to my knowledge, spontaneously combusted and left about 40 laundry loads worth of detergent in a pleasant pile.
(approximately 20 minutes to clean yet the smell lingers)
The final hour of my week:
1. Ina Marshall stood me up for waffle house for like the eighth time! (sorry ina, i've now lost hope and believe our plans for going to waffle house is just a mythological conception that could only exist in some perpendicular universe)
2. The ATM machine ate my ATM card....and shredded it....to pieces. Reason being......???
3. A beetle ran up the backside of my shirt and i ran around the room like a girl throwing off my shirt and looking in the mirror for the offender whom i quickly murdered and threw off the balcony.
4. I decided to write a facebook note which would not come into effect till 3 am like usual.
I wonder if anyone will read this autobiography. If so, why would you do such a thing?
yours truly,
person who wants either a motorcycle or 250 cc scooter.
I met someone who is potentially my bestest bud up to date in life. We met making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the KUC before buying her school books. Afterwards we walked around campus where festivities were randomly going on in honor of incoming freshmen. We waited in line for balloon animals. I got a penguin with a fishing pole whom i named Mumbles, and she got a jelly fish hat. Then we got the sign of the ancient god Horus painted on our faces (hers glittery, mine not so glittery thank you very much.) She then took me out to eat and afterwards to her home ; ) Would have never guessed she's a divorced 26 year old self employed mother!
Next event off the top of my head. My philosophy professor Principe gave me a first assignment to read - a "meaning of life" story about sperm. The professor said "Um" 124 times the 1st day of class (i really did count) and hops up and down when trying to emphasize his point.
Moving on - I attempted to sweet talk Admissions into giving me in state tuition which was a terrible idea seeing how i'm decent at writing and terrible at talking. So my sweet talk probably came across as a bomb threat or something. I dunno. Regardless i'm still gaining 14k tuition debt per year and lovin it (hint of sarcasm.)
In other news (you'll get the pun in a second) I started writing for the school newspaper this week. and then 3 days later quit haha. I realized that work plus school plus Songwriting group+recording industry group+Article writing was pushing the envelope. Just a little.
I rented my textbooks online for really cheap and the people plant trees for every book i rent/sell from or to them. I planted 6 trees in total : ) and i also inspired someone else to do the same.
Notable Kitchen Messes:
-My friend Carter tried opening wine with a knife. I walked back into the kitchen and it looked like someone got shot with a machine gun.
(approximately 10 minutes to clean)
-Laundry detergent, to my knowledge, spontaneously combusted and left about 40 laundry loads worth of detergent in a pleasant pile.
(approximately 20 minutes to clean yet the smell lingers)
The final hour of my week:
1. Ina Marshall stood me up for waffle house for like the eighth time! (sorry ina, i've now lost hope and believe our plans for going to waffle house is just a mythological conception that could only exist in some perpendicular universe)
2. The ATM machine ate my ATM card....and shredded it....to pieces. Reason being......???
3. A beetle ran up the backside of my shirt and i ran around the room like a girl throwing off my shirt and looking in the mirror for the offender whom i quickly murdered and threw off the balcony.
4. I decided to write a facebook note which would not come into effect till 3 am like usual.
I wonder if anyone will read this autobiography. If so, why would you do such a thing?
yours truly,
person who wants either a motorcycle or 250 cc scooter.
A Status of Sadness
your status says your sad, and inspired me to recount this tale.
*3:45 Inside Stephen's room*
I was trying out Little Caesars new Zesty Jalapeno Cheese-bread for lunch and on such a special occasion, blared salsa music from a giant 5 disc cd player i somehow managed to receive for free.
During my mini siesta while trying to change the song, I accidentally hit the button that changed the boombox from aux mode (my i-pod) to radio mode. and the station that came on when the radio turned on was playing a christmas carol. Christmas in the middle of August. Nonsense. Anywho, by the time this holiday cheer was finished i realized, uh oh. I'm about to be late for work again, what a surprise.... So i rapidly threw my micky d's uniform on (tie with velcro attachment included), put a smile on my face, and rode in a rush to work.
At work, news presents itself that someone had called off for the night. So it was just meeee and the manager closing. awesome! Not that i didn't like her as a manager. She was kinda funny, a little crazy, talked a lot, but was creative. She also is about 5 foot 2 and weighs about 226 pounds. Whatever i don't mind that. The problem was, that Mcdonalds is busy as f**K, and for 2 people to work alone is crazy i tell you. Just plain out mad.
Throughout the night the problem kept presenting itself. I was always cashier/ fry maker/bagging the orders, and she was making all the sandwiches/nuggets. My job was about 10 times easier than hers i think. Was this making her pissed? Yes. Could all the customers tell? Yes! Was she turning in the Mr Hyde? keep reading...
After taking orders i would turn around to bag the sandwiches, and had to see the grumpy face muttering curse words to herself trying to ruin my content and pleasant mood.
The orders kept getting longer and more complex as the night progressed to add to the hustle and bustle... and they were non stop! "no pickles add onions no caviar add shrimp baby back ribs on the side wtf?? I contemplated ways of cheering manager up. Ways to alleviate the pain. Nothing came to mind though.
The room was now silent and I glanced at the customers, watching them all stare at manager in disbelief. I had to do something. It was the moment of change. I had to do something! So, facing the manager, while bagging a double cheeseburger with extra mayo, i began whistling a tune. Not just any tune. A tune with holiday cheer. I started off slowly in a McDonalds room of utter silence (which is odd since there were about 15 people in the room). I began whistling the "First Noel"
Manager cocked her head up towards my direction slowly, dropping her ketchup bottle along with her jaw and just stared for a few seconds while i continued whistling....Did she want to kill me?
No, she started busting out laughing! The tension disappeared like a magic trick and the once nerve racking room was soon filled with life again thanks to a joyous christmas carol.
*Moral of the Story: "you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light."
*3:45 Inside Stephen's room*
I was trying out Little Caesars new Zesty Jalapeno Cheese-bread for lunch and on such a special occasion, blared salsa music from a giant 5 disc cd player i somehow managed to receive for free.
During my mini siesta while trying to change the song, I accidentally hit the button that changed the boombox from aux mode (my i-pod) to radio mode. and the station that came on when the radio turned on was playing a christmas carol. Christmas in the middle of August. Nonsense. Anywho, by the time this holiday cheer was finished i realized, uh oh. I'm about to be late for work again, what a surprise.... So i rapidly threw my micky d's uniform on (tie with velcro attachment included), put a smile on my face, and rode in a rush to work.
At work, news presents itself that someone had called off for the night. So it was just meeee and the manager closing. awesome! Not that i didn't like her as a manager. She was kinda funny, a little crazy, talked a lot, but was creative. She also is about 5 foot 2 and weighs about 226 pounds. Whatever i don't mind that. The problem was, that Mcdonalds is busy as f**K, and for 2 people to work alone is crazy i tell you. Just plain out mad.
Throughout the night the problem kept presenting itself. I was always cashier/ fry maker/bagging the orders, and she was making all the sandwiches/nuggets. My job was about 10 times easier than hers i think. Was this making her pissed? Yes. Could all the customers tell? Yes! Was she turning in the Mr Hyde? keep reading...
After taking orders i would turn around to bag the sandwiches, and had to see the grumpy face muttering curse words to herself trying to ruin my content and pleasant mood.
The orders kept getting longer and more complex as the night progressed to add to the hustle and bustle... and they were non stop! "no pickles add onions no caviar add shrimp baby back ribs on the side wtf?? I contemplated ways of cheering manager up. Ways to alleviate the pain. Nothing came to mind though.
The room was now silent and I glanced at the customers, watching them all stare at manager in disbelief. I had to do something. It was the moment of change. I had to do something! So, facing the manager, while bagging a double cheeseburger with extra mayo, i began whistling a tune. Not just any tune. A tune with holiday cheer. I started off slowly in a McDonalds room of utter silence (which is odd since there were about 15 people in the room). I began whistling the "First Noel"
Manager cocked her head up towards my direction slowly, dropping her ketchup bottle along with her jaw and just stared for a few seconds while i continued whistling....Did she want to kill me?
No, she started busting out laughing! The tension disappeared like a magic trick and the once nerve racking room was soon filled with life again thanks to a joyous christmas carol.
*Moral of the Story: "you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light."
The Lost Feline 2
*Adventurous music plays while someone enthusiastically declares*
"Stephen and The Lost Feline...Part deux!
Chapter 2: Surrender or Death
No doubt in my mind shadowed the possibility of Clementine's hatred towards me. Clementine is the name i decided to give orange stray cat as i carelessly ran the red light in pursuit. Now in my apartment complex at a halt, i watched Clementine, confined by the truck, looking around frantically, constantly popping it's head back towards me just to make sure i wasn't making a sudden bold move toward it. I couldn't help but feel a small sense of satisfaction, and in result, a demented grin came upon my face.
I wanted Clementine. I needed Clementine. No, not to keep in my apartment. After all, we aren't allowed to have pets here. Plus... i don't have money to feed a cat or buy it kitty treats or give it kitty litter. geez. I just wanted Clementine to "stop by" my apartment every once in a while so i could give him a piece of cheese or pb&j or an orange or something. Like a snack!
Anyways, even though i had all night, I decided to make a move toward Clemy.
...one step, two step
after those steps, Clem stopped looking around and put all it's focus in staring at me. Such piercing eyes.
Thoughts of having a pet stray kitty were running through my head. All my friends would be jealous of such an orange pet cat.
"No one's gonna hurt you Clemy..."
he looked at me in disbelief
Despite the fact that me and Kitty's eyes were deadlocked, once again i courageously pressed forward. Knowing one wrong move could tear apart my chances, hopes, and dreams. Oddly but not surprisingly, as if we were dancing, the steps i made forward, Clem did backwards at exactly the same time.
Eyes still locked...One Step, Two Step, Thre-KITTY TAKES OFF from under this very much low rider truck i didn't think it could fit under.
My grin faded. I followed him as fast as i could as he made a dash under a line of what may well have been about 30 parked cars.
But alas, maybe i got up on the right side of the bed when i woke up that morning. Maybe i picked up a lucky penny that contained my birth year. Maybe both the Roman AND Greek mythological gods were on my side....Regardless, a miracle happened before my very own eyes.
Clem ended his speedy dash and felt it to be a good hiding place under one peculiar car. A huge car that can easily be mistaken for a boat. 1989 Lincoln Towncar to be exact. A Towncar whose owner also happens to be the author of this note.
Kitty was under MY car in front of MY apartment, starving and scared in the wee early hours of the morning while it was still pitch black. Kitty was now on my turf. My home court. What a great position to negotiate seeing how he was on my private property times 2.
The way i saw it, Clementine had two options as clear as day. Succumb to my kindness....or DIE! from lack of food and water of course.
What did Clementine choose?
How Desperately did i want to catch Clementine?
Is this really what i do in my free time?
The saga Concludes in a dramatic Episode 3 of "Stephen and The Lost Feline"
All Questions Answered!
No absurd down payments!
No Credit, No Problem!
"Stephen and The Lost Feline...Part deux!
Chapter 2: Surrender or Death
No doubt in my mind shadowed the possibility of Clementine's hatred towards me. Clementine is the name i decided to give orange stray cat as i carelessly ran the red light in pursuit. Now in my apartment complex at a halt, i watched Clementine, confined by the truck, looking around frantically, constantly popping it's head back towards me just to make sure i wasn't making a sudden bold move toward it. I couldn't help but feel a small sense of satisfaction, and in result, a demented grin came upon my face.
I wanted Clementine. I needed Clementine. No, not to keep in my apartment. After all, we aren't allowed to have pets here. Plus... i don't have money to feed a cat or buy it kitty treats or give it kitty litter. geez. I just wanted Clementine to "stop by" my apartment every once in a while so i could give him a piece of cheese or pb&j or an orange or something. Like a snack!
Anyways, even though i had all night, I decided to make a move toward Clemy.
...one step, two step
after those steps, Clem stopped looking around and put all it's focus in staring at me. Such piercing eyes.
Thoughts of having a pet stray kitty were running through my head. All my friends would be jealous of such an orange pet cat.
"No one's gonna hurt you Clemy..."
he looked at me in disbelief
Despite the fact that me and Kitty's eyes were deadlocked, once again i courageously pressed forward. Knowing one wrong move could tear apart my chances, hopes, and dreams. Oddly but not surprisingly, as if we were dancing, the steps i made forward, Clem did backwards at exactly the same time.
Eyes still locked...One Step, Two Step, Thre-KITTY TAKES OFF from under this very much low rider truck i didn't think it could fit under.
My grin faded. I followed him as fast as i could as he made a dash under a line of what may well have been about 30 parked cars.
But alas, maybe i got up on the right side of the bed when i woke up that morning. Maybe i picked up a lucky penny that contained my birth year. Maybe both the Roman AND Greek mythological gods were on my side....Regardless, a miracle happened before my very own eyes.
Clem ended his speedy dash and felt it to be a good hiding place under one peculiar car. A huge car that can easily be mistaken for a boat. 1989 Lincoln Towncar to be exact. A Towncar whose owner also happens to be the author of this note.
Kitty was under MY car in front of MY apartment, starving and scared in the wee early hours of the morning while it was still pitch black. Kitty was now on my turf. My home court. What a great position to negotiate seeing how he was on my private property times 2.
The way i saw it, Clementine had two options as clear as day. Succumb to my kindness....or DIE! from lack of food and water of course.
What did Clementine choose?
How Desperately did i want to catch Clementine?
Is this really what i do in my free time?
The saga Concludes in a dramatic Episode 3 of "Stephen and The Lost Feline"
All Questions Answered!
No absurd down payments!
No Credit, No Problem!
The Lost Feline
My morning was spent trying, no, STRUGGLING, to catch a particularly orange stray cat. Yielding a piece of bread, i thought i could bribe him/her to like me.
The chase started at the gas station. I first caught glimpse of him/her, strutting slowly and silently around bushes beside the car wash, peering intently at the world while keeping a high degree of stealth. I made the 1st bad mistake. I rode my bike toward it. Did bright orange cat freak? that's an understatement.
Cat retreated to the undeveloped dirt yard in front of little caesars in more than a dashing pace. Of course i didn't know he was hiding in the field until somewhat later. I lost him about 2 seconds after he ran from the car wash.
My discovery of bright orange cat in the field was aided by something i thought meaningless till this night. My LED pen light that i won at a fair in canfield some time ago. I keep it with my other school supplies in my backpack for some unknown reason. LED pen light has been a good conversation starter in some cases actually. I've always been a pack rat. off topic
Flashing my pen light around, I soon crossed orange cat's eyes which glittered like 4th of july when reflecting the light. Once again orange cat, agitated by another force's presence, took off...this time crossing the street to my apartment complex, score! However, I knew orange stray cat meant business because when he crossed the intersection, it was a red light.
Pursueing on my bike, i somehow managed to keep sight and pace with cat. I managed to create a more successful scenario however, by laying off cat's trail. Giving him enough breathing space also gave him a sense of security. Enough for him to make a stop and hide under a ford wrangler.
That was my cue. That was my chance. Poor little orange cat was confined by the muffler of a full sized american automotive, and there was nothing he could do about it! I felt as though the world was on a string and i was sitting on a rainbow.
Did bright orange cat know i was on to him?
Were my intentions good or bad?
Did I ever catch stray cat and how?
What was i doing at a gas station at 4 A.M with bread?
Did i cleverly foreshadow the answers to all these questions?
(all questions asked while heavy organ augmented chords are played in the background)
Find out next time, how the adventures of Stephen and the Lost Feline plays out.
to be continued...
The chase started at the gas station. I first caught glimpse of him/her, strutting slowly and silently around bushes beside the car wash, peering intently at the world while keeping a high degree of stealth. I made the 1st bad mistake. I rode my bike toward it. Did bright orange cat freak? that's an understatement.
Cat retreated to the undeveloped dirt yard in front of little caesars in more than a dashing pace. Of course i didn't know he was hiding in the field until somewhat later. I lost him about 2 seconds after he ran from the car wash.
My discovery of bright orange cat in the field was aided by something i thought meaningless till this night. My LED pen light that i won at a fair in canfield some time ago. I keep it with my other school supplies in my backpack for some unknown reason. LED pen light has been a good conversation starter in some cases actually. I've always been a pack rat. off topic
Flashing my pen light around, I soon crossed orange cat's eyes which glittered like 4th of july when reflecting the light. Once again orange cat, agitated by another force's presence, took off...this time crossing the street to my apartment complex, score! However, I knew orange stray cat meant business because when he crossed the intersection, it was a red light.
Pursueing on my bike, i somehow managed to keep sight and pace with cat. I managed to create a more successful scenario however, by laying off cat's trail. Giving him enough breathing space also gave him a sense of security. Enough for him to make a stop and hide under a ford wrangler.
That was my cue. That was my chance. Poor little orange cat was confined by the muffler of a full sized american automotive, and there was nothing he could do about it! I felt as though the world was on a string and i was sitting on a rainbow.
Did bright orange cat know i was on to him?
Were my intentions good or bad?
Did I ever catch stray cat and how?
What was i doing at a gas station at 4 A.M with bread?
Did i cleverly foreshadow the answers to all these questions?
(all questions asked while heavy organ augmented chords are played in the background)
Find out next time, how the adventures of Stephen and the Lost Feline plays out.
to be continued...
An Act of Thievery
Dear Bike Thief,
First off, i gotta hand it to you. You took my bike while i was in the comfort of my own home. Asleep! fassstt asleep.
just a little background history...348 days. That's how long i owned my Blue Power Climber to be exact. It got me to school and back. To the grocery store and back. To the downtown square and back. To work and back. On late night adventures. On early morning exercise excursions. Blue Power Climber was wonderful to me!
...till this morning of course. Sometime between 11 pm and 11 am you stole my bike.
Now to get things straight. I respect you're lifestyle of thievery and unkindness. Without it, would good people really be "good"? i dont think so.
However, you stole a bike from someone who WILL hunt you down. I have filed my little police report but they aren't gonna do anything. I'm not stupid bike thief. I'm not. Police will make little to no effort to find MY Blue Power Climber in this college town where millions of students have bicycles. Bicycles similar to mine. Bicycles similar to the one you stole.
Therefore, i'm taking it into my own hands to assure justice in a situation YOU carelessly created.
You stole from the wrong person Bike Thief. It's not IF i find you. It's WHEN I find you. Blue Power Climber has broken brakes on the left handel bar. Plus, theres a lock on the bike. Cant seem to get that lock off can you? maybe cause it's kevlar. Kevlar is the stuff that they make bullet proof vests out of. I'm the only one with the key Bike Thief. The only one.
Keep it, sell it, store it, whatever! do whatever you please with Blue Power Climber. Mark my words though Bike Thief. Whether it takes days, months, or the rest of my college life to track you down; i will have vengeance. Sweet Vengeance.
I think Sweeney Todd said it best.
"and i will get you back even as you gloat, in the meantime i'll practice on less honorable throats."
sincerely,
innocent victim
First off, i gotta hand it to you. You took my bike while i was in the comfort of my own home. Asleep! fassstt asleep.
just a little background history...348 days. That's how long i owned my Blue Power Climber to be exact. It got me to school and back. To the grocery store and back. To the downtown square and back. To work and back. On late night adventures. On early morning exercise excursions. Blue Power Climber was wonderful to me!
...till this morning of course. Sometime between 11 pm and 11 am you stole my bike.
Now to get things straight. I respect you're lifestyle of thievery and unkindness. Without it, would good people really be "good"? i dont think so.
However, you stole a bike from someone who WILL hunt you down. I have filed my little police report but they aren't gonna do anything. I'm not stupid bike thief. I'm not. Police will make little to no effort to find MY Blue Power Climber in this college town where millions of students have bicycles. Bicycles similar to mine. Bicycles similar to the one you stole.
Therefore, i'm taking it into my own hands to assure justice in a situation YOU carelessly created.
You stole from the wrong person Bike Thief. It's not IF i find you. It's WHEN I find you. Blue Power Climber has broken brakes on the left handel bar. Plus, theres a lock on the bike. Cant seem to get that lock off can you? maybe cause it's kevlar. Kevlar is the stuff that they make bullet proof vests out of. I'm the only one with the key Bike Thief. The only one.
Keep it, sell it, store it, whatever! do whatever you please with Blue Power Climber. Mark my words though Bike Thief. Whether it takes days, months, or the rest of my college life to track you down; i will have vengeance. Sweet Vengeance.
I think Sweeney Todd said it best.
"and i will get you back even as you gloat, in the meantime i'll practice on less honorable throats."
sincerely,
innocent victim
A Wonderuful Reaction
In boredom, i decided to run away tonight.
I stuck a pillow along with a toothbrush in my backpack, rode my bicycle with a flat tire down the street to a remote location, and sat in the grass with a stick in my hand hoping to flag down Stan Shunpike and his Knight Bus.
tic toc tic toc tic toc.....1 hour later....no cigar. At this point i was exhaustedly laying in the grass, still with my stick weakly held up, as if stan might mistake the twig for a phoenix feathered wand.
cars slowly passed in a seldom pattern and each pair of headlights that went by gave me a smaller expectation for escape. The mosquitoe bites weren't helping my cause either.
I was watching fireworks in the distance as they flared in the half moon sky, scattering upon explosion. The pops and crackles of them meshed with the cricket noise. The cricket noise that everyone fails to pinpoint where exactly it's coming from. The serene environment put me in a almost asleep, yet still conscious of my surroundings phase. and THATS when a slowly passing black SUV stopped, and put it in reverse.
It's always when i'm sidetracked or least expect it that an incident occurs. By the time i look over at the reversing SUV, a man is getting out and walking toward me frantically asking are you alright? are you ok? do you need help?
I hadn't really paid much attention to my current disposition but to say the least, the man had every right to think i was dying. After all, I was laying, arms folded, on the edge of the rode in some dark grassy field with a backpack thrown on one side, and my flat tired bike on the other.
It took a second or 2 before i could react to the concerned stranger walking closer. I remained laying until he reached my injured looking self. As he hovered over me, I couldn't tell what he looked like, except he had a beard, and it sounded like he was in his 30's.
Now time for my wonderful reaction!
I raised my head a bit to end his concern, still slightly in a daze, and the first words to escape my mouth was, "are you Stan Shunpike?" He said er...no...are you ok? I said yes thank you and got up, grabbed my backpack, ascended onto a bike with a deflated front tire, and pedaled down a dark rode back towards my apartment. The End....
I stuck a pillow along with a toothbrush in my backpack, rode my bicycle with a flat tire down the street to a remote location, and sat in the grass with a stick in my hand hoping to flag down Stan Shunpike and his Knight Bus.
tic toc tic toc tic toc.....1 hour later....no cigar. At this point i was exhaustedly laying in the grass, still with my stick weakly held up, as if stan might mistake the twig for a phoenix feathered wand.
cars slowly passed in a seldom pattern and each pair of headlights that went by gave me a smaller expectation for escape. The mosquitoe bites weren't helping my cause either.
I was watching fireworks in the distance as they flared in the half moon sky, scattering upon explosion. The pops and crackles of them meshed with the cricket noise. The cricket noise that everyone fails to pinpoint where exactly it's coming from. The serene environment put me in a almost asleep, yet still conscious of my surroundings phase. and THATS when a slowly passing black SUV stopped, and put it in reverse.
It's always when i'm sidetracked or least expect it that an incident occurs. By the time i look over at the reversing SUV, a man is getting out and walking toward me frantically asking are you alright? are you ok? do you need help?
I hadn't really paid much attention to my current disposition but to say the least, the man had every right to think i was dying. After all, I was laying, arms folded, on the edge of the rode in some dark grassy field with a backpack thrown on one side, and my flat tired bike on the other.
It took a second or 2 before i could react to the concerned stranger walking closer. I remained laying until he reached my injured looking self. As he hovered over me, I couldn't tell what he looked like, except he had a beard, and it sounded like he was in his 30's.
Now time for my wonderful reaction!
I raised my head a bit to end his concern, still slightly in a daze, and the first words to escape my mouth was, "are you Stan Shunpike?" He said er...no...are you ok? I said yes thank you and got up, grabbed my backpack, ascended onto a bike with a deflated front tire, and pedaled down a dark rode back towards my apartment. The End....
The Great Barrier
Once upon a time there was a box. Inside that brown box made out of cardboard (which had 4 flaps for a lid) laid a picture. What that picture was of, is of no consequence, since the point of the picture was a purpose, that to me, is pointless.
Around the picture enfolded a frame. A polished frame that monogrammed the picture's pointless purpose along with the image of that purpose itself. That polished frame mended true thoughts with embellished sight. embellished site that only let true motive flash through in proportions that could not feed an amoeba. A forged site that put up a barrier between Actuality and Artificial. A barrier that took away the essence of the picture, which for the most part, was Actually imperfect rather than Artificially perfect.
Hence, the point is pointless.
Truth isn't given image, only hidden.
and that my friend, is the problem with people in regards to the barrier between following beliefs, and doing what's socially acceptable.
Around the picture enfolded a frame. A polished frame that monogrammed the picture's pointless purpose along with the image of that purpose itself. That polished frame mended true thoughts with embellished sight. embellished site that only let true motive flash through in proportions that could not feed an amoeba. A forged site that put up a barrier between Actuality and Artificial. A barrier that took away the essence of the picture, which for the most part, was Actually imperfect rather than Artificially perfect.
Hence, the point is pointless.
Truth isn't given image, only hidden.
and that my friend, is the problem with people in regards to the barrier between following beliefs, and doing what's socially acceptable.
Anybody Disagree?
Thursday night: some people have started their spring break and some of us haven't.
Laying in my bed, preparing for my computer orientation class the following day (kidding), enjoying my favorite part of the day (sleep), I was soon startled awake by an abrupt interruption which awful-fied the world as i knew it.
I awoke shaking....my bed was rattling. a crowd outside was screaming at the top of their lungs as if they were aboard the titanic while it were sinking.
The low rumble surrounding my room convinced me that dinosaurs somehow came back to life and were on a gruesome blood-curdling rampage. So naturally, I walked to the window and opened the blinds (expecting to see T-Rexes tearing humans apart)
To my distaste, i didn't see the T-Rexes. No, Instead i saw a circus ring of 6 cars...each blaring their own, harmonious/beautiful music at a volume level that should have caused deafness to every person within a 3.14 (pi) mile radius.
Did you guess what the wonderful harmonious music they were playing, excuse me, blasting! was? Effing Modern Commercialized American Rap. My least fav style in the world right now. Meaningless lyrics, the non race problem causing "n" word about 17 times, and The Bass turned up to the decibel equivalent to cannon shots fired in the war of 1812. Perfect formula for a Modern day hit song!
Don't get me wrong....i don't dislike rap: Tupac Shakur, Q-tip, Common, Flying Lotus....Those are geniuses that make rap/hip hop.... I absolutely loved 90's rap and hip hop and can go on with the artists. But modern Day is just a bunch of BS.
To top it all off, I think every person in the apartment complex frenzied around these rumbling cars. Were they actually listening to the music? HELLLLL NOO! They were chanting at the top of their lungs. Screaming i tell you!
Ironically i thought to myself the song "What A Wonderful World"
But they were just relentless in screaming to the sound of blaring low rumbles. I guess thats what they call "listening to music." All in all, I actually feel kinda sorry for them. they probably never actually heard a song, and probably never will again because theres a 90 percent chance they became deaf overnight.
I still can't get over the savagery. I think i'd rather have the dinosaurs come back than this.
Laying in my bed, preparing for my computer orientation class the following day (kidding), enjoying my favorite part of the day (sleep), I was soon startled awake by an abrupt interruption which awful-fied the world as i knew it.
I awoke shaking....my bed was rattling. a crowd outside was screaming at the top of their lungs as if they were aboard the titanic while it were sinking.
The low rumble surrounding my room convinced me that dinosaurs somehow came back to life and were on a gruesome blood-curdling rampage. So naturally, I walked to the window and opened the blinds (expecting to see T-Rexes tearing humans apart)
To my distaste, i didn't see the T-Rexes. No, Instead i saw a circus ring of 6 cars...each blaring their own, harmonious/beautiful music at a volume level that should have caused deafness to every person within a 3.14 (pi) mile radius.
Did you guess what the wonderful harmonious music they were playing, excuse me, blasting! was? Effing Modern Commercialized American Rap. My least fav style in the world right now. Meaningless lyrics, the non race problem causing "n" word about 17 times, and The Bass turned up to the decibel equivalent to cannon shots fired in the war of 1812. Perfect formula for a Modern day hit song!
Don't get me wrong....i don't dislike rap: Tupac Shakur, Q-tip, Common, Flying Lotus....Those are geniuses that make rap/hip hop.... I absolutely loved 90's rap and hip hop and can go on with the artists. But modern Day is just a bunch of BS.
To top it all off, I think every person in the apartment complex frenzied around these rumbling cars. Were they actually listening to the music? HELLLLL NOO! They were chanting at the top of their lungs. Screaming i tell you!
Ironically i thought to myself the song "What A Wonderful World"
But they were just relentless in screaming to the sound of blaring low rumbles. I guess thats what they call "listening to music." All in all, I actually feel kinda sorry for them. they probably never actually heard a song, and probably never will again because theres a 90 percent chance they became deaf overnight.
I still can't get over the savagery. I think i'd rather have the dinosaurs come back than this.
Awkwardness Will Never Fail Me
Midnight, outside on the balcony, strumming my guitar, trying to write new material. Thats when She got out of her car...
She had just pulled into the parking lot moments ago. It was a fairly new red pontiac looking vehicle, and unlike the majority of other college student cars, ran quiet and smoothly. Driving across the parking lot (a few complexes down) she soon parked, opened the door, and said "hey" with a moderate tone that echoed enough to make its way swiftly across the parking lot. I was paying very little to no attention until the reverberations reached my ears.
Looking down, i couldn't tell who she was or why she was engaging in conversation across an open lot with a stranger. "I think I know you" she said..."i work in the office"
It only took a fraction of a second before i recognized her as the student office worker since i'd been bugging her for days. (I've been waiting for a book that i ordered off ebay to come in the mail...all packages go to the office first...so everyday for 3 weeks i'd ask her if it came in yet)
Anywho, after she said "i work in the office" i responded by shouting this wonderful non-awkward phrase across the parking lot at midnight:
"Oh yea, You're the one who looked at my Package!"
yep, i said it....and most remarkably, she then told me her name was Bethany and to stop by during the hours she worked in the office.
coincidence, or a new pick up line?
She had just pulled into the parking lot moments ago. It was a fairly new red pontiac looking vehicle, and unlike the majority of other college student cars, ran quiet and smoothly. Driving across the parking lot (a few complexes down) she soon parked, opened the door, and said "hey" with a moderate tone that echoed enough to make its way swiftly across the parking lot. I was paying very little to no attention until the reverberations reached my ears.
Looking down, i couldn't tell who she was or why she was engaging in conversation across an open lot with a stranger. "I think I know you" she said..."i work in the office"
It only took a fraction of a second before i recognized her as the student office worker since i'd been bugging her for days. (I've been waiting for a book that i ordered off ebay to come in the mail...all packages go to the office first...so everyday for 3 weeks i'd ask her if it came in yet)
Anywho, after she said "i work in the office" i responded by shouting this wonderful non-awkward phrase across the parking lot at midnight:
"Oh yea, You're the one who looked at my Package!"
yep, i said it....and most remarkably, she then told me her name was Bethany and to stop by during the hours she worked in the office.
coincidence, or a new pick up line?
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